I'm thinking about years gone by 
I'm thinking about church at midnight 
I'm thinking about letting go 
I think that might finally be alright 


simmering on the years past, 
all the loves and losses, all the joys and tribulations, 
my heart is happy today 
even in the loneliest moments, even in the sad ones, 
i can confidently say that i am happy. 
i have learned and grown and seen and been opened up
once again
and i'm reminded that its all forward motion. 
it has to be. 


But this is where we shine 

and sometimes love is all my heart can have. it has been a hard year. a long year. an exhausting one and a revealing one. 
unexpected-ness around all the corners. 
and strength has been pulled from places of defeat
it has been and now we're here remembering. 



Then I'm gonna catch my breath 
And make it a long December 
If we've got nothing left 
This could be worth remembering 
With a smile upon my face 


Silver bells and open fire 
And songs we used to sing 
One more chance to be inspired 
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough 
Then stay with me because 
The heartache can wait




one more chance to be inspired. 
merry christmas to all. 

A great sin: the fear, and ultimately paralyzation, of becoming.

You are not who you want to be, and the path is unclear, so you sit down in the dirt. The cloud of dust is comforting for awhile as it has the illusion of movement, but you’ve been fooled. The dust settles on your increasingly stiffened muscles. Rigamortis, God forbid. God forbid.

God forbid you sit in on the path and refuse maturation. God forbid you let the dust settle and you deny redemption. God forbid the fear of taking a step forward or backward or left or right and you deny process. God, in great humility, does not forbid failure. God does not forbid mistakes. God does not forbid missteps. Go fail and fail well! is the voice of God. Do nothing! is the voice of evil.

Stillness is not dualistic. There is a good, sacred stillness, and there is an evil stillness: the stillness of fear. You cannot stay in the desert. You may go to the desert, and you may be in the desert for a time, but if you stay then you choose death. Leave the desert. Leave now while you can, while you are still alive. Leave while you are able to choose to work out your life with good fear and with good trembling. We have so little time and we have so much time.

thanks longbrake

all the stars are coming out

its so interesting how life turned out. 

and i sit here on this autumn evening, wondering 

wishing

climbing through my memories 

really how did i get here?

and i know that it is beautiful 

no matter how hard and ugly and tumultuous

no matter how much new growth and heartache and broken pieces have fallen to the ground

these days i find myself in between such grand heartache and excitement, sadness and joy, broken pieces and that feeling of being complete.  what an odd place to be. and a mix of emotions that is just hard, unsettling, and kind of awesome.  

i think i'm really beginning to accept

that truly, in this life, 

 there is joy 

and love, 

beauty, yes to be found. 

[feeling introspective, what's new]

picture from the rainy outer banks, nc from a couple weekends ago. awesomely needed vacation.

currently listening to: the mountain goats, fleet foxes, tv on the radio, sleigh bells, and bon iver.
fall is upon me.

that is funny.

and a true observation of my life and yours.


IS THIS LIFE?!?

dear august,

you are the busiest month. you show us so much.

and truly, i always feel the most challenged and the most growth here with you as the summer comes to an end.
you brought us joy in those hot summer nights where we can sit on the porch til all hours enjoying one another's company.
and those epic storms
and memories to be kept for a lifetime.

yet
it never seems to be the way i planned it.
but its good, indeed.

i am thankful
for all the laughs you brought
as well as the tears
and the new friends
and the trials
as well as the leaps
for all the forward steps
and for all the push and pull
the ebb and flow
the hot and cold


let's watch the sun rise one more time.

don't rush by so quick next time.

sincerely yours,
jess


currently listening:: modern skirts "mrs."
resonates.

write me a letter, it's better to read things. 

on growing up and heartache

i'm finding that growing up is harder than i ever imagined.
it's hardest when you are at it alone
it's most confusing because you are alone.
and everyone is fighting for themselves alone,
singularly.
until you find that one that wants to fight along side you.
and for you.
and you don't have to be alone anymore.
but sometimes that person who fought alongside of you changes his/her mind or gets confused or distracted or lost
and begins to fight against you.
and your battle seems harder than it ever seemed
like your strength together weakened you individually
when its actually your comfort got the best of you

and it gets hard and confusing for a while

and maybe, just maybe
the confusion, the waves, they stop hitting so hard
and your strength returns
you might be alone again
fighting for yourself
and you have distant yet fond memories of that one who came and fought at your side

and i guess you're better for it.

it cost so much to be a full human being

"yesterday i met a whole man. it is a rare experience, but always an illuminating and ennobling one. it costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment, or the courage, to pay the price. one has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. one has to embrace the world like a lover, and yet demand no easy return of love. one has to accept pain as a condition of existence. one has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. one needs a will stubborn in conflict but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."

- morris west, the shoes of a fisherman


love the power in this. 
found here

i need a lifestyle upgrade.

 

i need to get better at so many things right now, i'm overwhelmed.
does anyone else ever feel like that?

things and things

things i can't get enough of at this point in time include but are not limited to:

hellogiggles

        

pinterest! duh. follow me

            







also...
reality tv. its like i would much rather get overly involved in people's lives on tv than make real life decisions for myself.  its a bit avoidant, i admit, but its working for me right now

lykke li
and the decemberists

hot black coffee and nice earthy teas

                                                                                                   sleeping way too late

re-reading malcolm gladwell. he inspires me to think more.


also, my apartment cannot seem to keep itself together.
 i would think that you might walk in and say to yourself, "man! i bet she's working on something really great right now.  i can't wait to see this project/experiment/writing masterpiece."  false.
things are just a mess.
you would say that because there is just stuff all over the place. like i'm too wrapped up inside my brain to put stuff where it goes.

i keep toying with the idea of moving or not and so i can't seem to get comfortable in my space.
one of my least favorite things is to spend time doing something just to undo it or redo it. so i'd rather live in limbo.
this is a bad idea, everyone.

just saw this video. its real.  i think everyone can relate in one way or the other. 

whether its death, or a breakup, or loss in anyway. watch this. be moved. 

this song and these words have been resonating in me this week. 

there will come a time, you'll see

with no more tears

where love will not break your heart

but dismiss your fears

get over your hill 

and see what you find there

with grace in your heart 

and flowers in your hair

i am in a constant state of renewal 

and also reworking and reinventing

[and of confusing myself]

and of questioning my choice

past and present

and of seeking peace

and of craving patience

and of reaching for the joy i once saw. 

with grace in your heart

and flowers in your hair

always a new cloud

photo at tybee. one of laura's dad's creations

… another few days gone off forever. Yes, yes, yes, & where do they go? & who collects them all. I’m watching these incredibly painterly, puffy pink clouds float overhead & off over the water. Where do they go? There are rusted boats bound for China, hungry seagulls leaving steampipes, the mindless tide in search of its zenith. But where does the time go when it’s gone? For now, all these beautiful things out the window seem to have such an overwhelming weight, it’s difficult to imagine them all floating away for the rest of time. Though I know they are. On the other hand, there are always new clouds coming into view, new boats, new birds, new tides. I see the pattern in myself too. For sometimes the spirits are so high, & sometimes they drag so low… but always there are spirits. Thankfully. 
-joshua heineman of CursiveBuildings




i love these words. 

ever have the fear of making your own choices

fear of the reality that you are grown and decide your next steps

fear of picking out, of opting for 

[the secret fear of settling for]

the wrong, incorrect, illogical, irreversable 

ever need to be reminded that your choices will not be wrong
that you just need to move forward
that you just need to follow your heart [and your clouds] 
because your fears are screaming louder than everything else


life is full of decisions, of choices
and there is great beauty in that
and awesome freedom
and my fears are my insecurities
which sometimes cause me to freeze
but not this time
i'm choosing choices
next steps
future plans
adventures
there is comfort in these words:

there are always new cloud coming into view, new boats, new birds new tides. 

i feel like i always hit my stride in summer
like really soaking in a day off
when i can stay in my pajamas all day, still drinking on my pot of coffee at 2 in the afternoon
watching storytellers on vh1
cleaning the kitchen, listening to records

sometimes i forget its summer [besides the 90 degree apartment i live in] because of the quick lives we lead.

but today,
today i embrace it with all i am
and really channeling my high school self, and probably your high school self, who lounged through the humid summer days before hitting the pool watching videos on mtv.
the grown up us's miss those days. i find its good to feed them a little nostalgia every once in a while.


cheers to summer. and memories. and making fun of who we used to be and who i still am at heart.


[my apologies for the us's, i just don't think the proper grammer sounds right]

should i

over the last four weeks, my life has changed drastically once again.  the reason i moved to asheville, a family owned restaurant, closed down suddenly.  left unemployed, confused, and with no way to pay my rent, i moved into a bit of crisis-confusion mode.
crisis mode, you know, the mornings when i wake up and sit on craigslist and think about how all of those jobs seem equal to water torture and then i end up sending my resume anyway because i'm freaking out and whatthehellamigonnado. and the afternoons where i realize i have nothing to do so i start hammering bottle caps flat in hopes of being inspired (read: low point). and the everything else where i bounce back and forth between feeling    f r e e   and feeling  l o s t
and nothing in between
and everything in between.

i don't know.

in the past four weeks, i have acquired three jobs that i think are pretty cool, but all part time. i am drained of all brain power to listen.
i am surrounded by super passionate and knowledgeable people all day which is encouraging to say the least.
i'm learning stuff i never thought i'd learn, which is a changing experience.
one to burst your mind,  in a good way.

yet
i am faced with decisions. to stay in asheville. to go away to somewhere new. to move back home. to start afresh. to continue to invest and have to work my way up. to work towards something great. to work just to pay my rent. to accept the change. to accept the challenge.

again i ask, what should i be doing with my life?

photo source

who doesn't want to open presents that look like this?  i'm in love with this idea. 

baby steps

i'm in love with this headboard. dreamy lokal54

i'm learning to take baby steps. i like to think big picture and then i feel overwhelmed when i don't know how to get to the big dream goal and i get frustrated when it doesn't seem like i'm even working in the right direction.  but the reality is that no one just takes one huge leap and lands at their dream job in the dream house with the dream lover and the perfect haircut and friends and kittens playing at their feet.  there are like a billion steps between here and there. for some reason it took me a while to accept that.
and now i'm learning to take baby steps. baby steps toward big goals.


so i started reading the artist's way by julia cameron. its kind of blowing my mind and bringing me back down to earth and reminding me that i'm the one standing in the way, not the world and all those kick-you-in-the-ass sorts of things, but all in a motivating way.
its reminding me of the artist i am. and that the world is not only for the artists that i read about and stalk incessantly and the one that's "making it" and that other one who has somehow convinced people to pay her so she doesn't wait tables anymore and the pretty one, of course.

i didn't even realize i needed it when i opened the book.


in other news, my cat has become a bed hog.
seriously, i went on vacation for a week and now he thinks the whole apartment is his.

love to you in the rain.

we could have had it all.

[i love adele and her voice and her passion.]

somedays i want to be taken seriously. and not be treated like a child.

and then somedays, i just wish i was a child.

in other news, i spoke to an at&t person on the phone for like half an hour while she just repeatedly told me to unplug and re-plug my internet modem. apparently she gets paid to tell people to do that.
sweet gig.
then, today a maintenance guy came out to inform me that while his buddy was trying to fix someone else's internet on the block they just decided to take my line since it appeared to not be in use.
unbeknownst to him, as he continued his story, he was just confirming my understanding that many human beings are stupid and many are not actually good at their jobs. 

 we have all really accepted the motto: fake it til you make it.
or in this case, fake it til some one realizes you're a faker. 

thanks america. 

i've been working on some pretty neat crafts and paintings. can't wait to show you internet friends. 

today is my birthday. today i turn a quarter of a century. the most i have ever lived.

25 days ago, i made a list of 25 things to do before i turned 25.  it was created in the love of lists and goals as also in the motivation to bring positivity and freshness and accomplishment into my new year.

here is my list. all completed by today april 5th, 2011 10:24 am

.support a friend i believe in  Gabriel
.send my brother his super belated birthday card
.have a fantastic trip with my friends -- MIAMI!
.feel the sand
.celebrate a silly holiday
.eat at a new restaurant
.drink at a new bar
.hear some live music
.blend & give some mixed music away
.bake something with my new mixer
.create something new! [...i'll show you soon.]
.apply for another job
.plan a road trip
.think about being a photographer again
.watch one new film
.cook one new recipe
.floss
.discover & hike a mountain
.paint
.plant your seeds--basil, eggplant, summer squash, & jalapano!
.sign up for another pottery class
.shrinkidinks!
.workout consistently
.talk to my sister
.put my savings bond in my savings account.


like any good list, some goals were made knowing they would happen, others were put on there in order to actually get me to do them, and others still were dreams and hopes.

and here i am, age twenty-five, feeling accomplished and encouraged and motivated.

if you know me at all, you know that birthdays are important to me. and time passage is significant to me. i get blown away by the way we grow older and days grow to months to years.  i find myself nostalgic about the things that will be missed and what was allowed to pass on by.  today is significant time maker in my life.

there is a beauty in gaining age, in adding years to yourself, mind, body, spirit. of course there is wisdom, but what i am more concerned with is the sight and perspective we each obtain [or ignore, i presume].  looking from the past and to the future.  its all pretty amazing, you know, life that is.

amen amen.



the photo at the top is a cactus at the alamo i saw at the end of last summer. still blooming.

this spring-like weather makes me feel at home. finally something about this place feels like home. this week was my six month anniversary of living in asheville and i honestly cannot believe that its been half a year. and now i sit and wonder what will become of the next six months.

you know, now that we're two months into two thousand eleven, i figured i should post my resolutions and goals for the year. it will be a good year.

bake and sell pies at a farmer's market.

apply to grad school. [check!]

create traditions.

go to utah, california, nevada, oregon, washington, and canada.

create/live in a loving community once again.

actively search for joy in everything.

roadtrip ocean to ocean.

send out dream letter inviting friends into my dream.

move to a new great city.

plants herbs and veggies.

start a food blog. [check!]

see lcd soundsystem live.

discover new music. create monthly playlists. send playlists to people.

write more letters.

share more desires and passions.

travel! adventure! go!

watch the sandlot with frankie and benji.

get a tattoo.

draw back into honesty, authenticity, and love. settle for nothing less.

wrtie. write. write.

make more goals.

work on an organic farm.

be a better friend. connect more. do not let friend fall away. make more on an effort.

get outta debt!

live and experience. do not live in dreams of what could be or what could have been.

have no regrets. take no prisoners.

somedays

somedays you just have to drink a beer in the shower and pretend its athens, ga in the summer time.

someday you just have to wear a silly band in your hair because no one has a rubber band.

somedays you just have to cry on the phone with your mom.

somedays you have to lose yourself in a tv series because it makes you feel closer to your family.

somedays you are lame and you must love yourself for it.

somedays are just hard.

somedays are made for tea drinking.

lean into the discomfort

this was posted here and here and i finally took the time to watch it. and then i watched it again. i was moved. its inspiring and honest and real. and what i want my life to be about. 

wholeheartedness.

take the time to watch it. 

tell me what you think. 

lean into the discomfort. 

february can't be dreary all the time

recently i have been trying to alter my outlook on life. changing my negatives to positives. being reminded that life is short and to be enjoyed.

last night, at a crowded restaurant on a friday night, my friend and i were invited to sit at a large table with an older couple since they had extra seats.  it was one of those small moments where you can say yes or no, simple without any life change either way, but its an odd opportunity that can change to adventure.  needless to say, we said yes and had a most delightful dinner. talked and got to know each other to the point that our waiter didn't even realize we didn't know each other until we were paying.  our dinner friends ended up being an ex-supreme court judge and a third grade teacher, sweet as could be.
(also, pretty sure everyone in the place new them and they didn't actually have to pay for their dinner.) it made my evening, that's for sure.

in other news, i'm going to miami in march. flights booked. workout begun. fun in the sun, i'm coming for you.

also it feels like early spring these days and its amazing. amazing. amazing.

spring one day

just listen to this song and wait patiently for spring 

that's what i'm doing. 

things i long for of the warm weather, include, but not limited to... river floatin. bare feet. mountain climbin. smiling. warm rain. fires. and oh the music.

let your heart be warmed.

breakfast

i work at a diner. i get up at 5:30 am.  i help make delicious food for shiny, happy people.  i see a lot of eggs.  my mind wanders from monotony and sleep deprivation. 

here are some thoughts from today:

eggs are honestly bizarre.  no one really thinks about the fact that they come from a chicken's bum hole...and then we eat them. ...well, at least i don't think about it. 

how did the first humans even think eating eggs would be a good idea?

how many raw eggs were eaten before they decided to cook them?

can you imagine that day in the cave?!? seriously awesome. 

and, all the different ways! 

how would you ever decide to whisk them up and coat your bread in them and then cook it and it would be  so yummy?

also on the thought of the first humans, 

who thought to take some beans, roast them, grind them up, hot water over them, and then drink it? coffee. couldn't live without it. 

i sure am glad for all those trial-n-error kids back then. also glad i didn't have to be the one eating the raw eggs first. 

the passing year

so i like making goals, resolutions, what have you, but last year i made nothing definite, i honestly felt lost about the end of 2009, but i wrote this.

january 1, 2010


i am thankful for a change, while it may only be in the numbers in the date.  there is motivation and a bit of a fresh feeling beginning a new year. a new decade. and allowing the past to be the past.  i have always been (and probably always will be ) one for nostalgia and attachment.  i know that change is good.  change is our only constant.  and there are times when the pain must be healed by distance -- in time.  the past must be allowed to be in the past while the future is allowed to be the present.  til kind of a novel concept, i suppose. 


its always rough on me, the new year, the idea of time passage, what was left behind, what was lost, who and what will never be again.  and at this point in my life, i feel a bit lost in my own life that i am finding it harder to make goals and dream dreams of what this year holds, or the opportunities that which it may have. 


i want to be BETTER. 
i want HONESTY -with myself. my relationships. my family. my community
i want to lose my mind investing in a project. 


i am interested in pursuing writing.
i am interested in recording life as i know it. 
i am interested in CONSISTENCY. 
i am interested in GROWTH. 
and in being LOST. 
and LIVING, not just watching.  






its pretty epic to see where i came from one year ago, to remember those feelings, to know really that i achieved those things, even if just a bit.  2010 was a bit scattered, scrambled, screwy, if you will.
i made choices i never thought i would.
i put myself in a totally new world.
i pushed myself further than ever and forced myself to be real with myself.  which in turn was much harder than imagined.
i learned a ton.
i found myself loving a boy that is just as scattered as me.
i have pushed the nonsense out of the way a bit to feel the solid ground under my feet once again.
and to begin this year, that might be the best thing of all.
i spent 2010 searching.
i think i'm ready for a new year.

dreams and future dreams

i'm applying to grad school?

i think its true. weird.
i think i'm coming to a place in my life where i'm tired of waiting for something great to happen in my life and i'm ready to do the doing.

does that make sense?

i'm have no money. i work a bunch.  i'm feeling unfulfilled.  i'm ready to stretch more.
i did not expect these words to be flying off my fingers anytime soon since i'm still getting my stable feet under me.

i recently have been throwing dream ideas around with some friends and i realize that there is no reason we need to wait to begin our dreams.  why does everyone think you have to "grow up" first and work a million crappy jobs and listen to crazy boss's and feel under-appreciated first before we can do the "BIG" thing we've always dreamed of.  i totally understand the art of working your way up and gaining experience so you can be the best and really know what you're talking about.  i'm for that art.  but i also do not want to spend my life waiting to have enough money, enough time, enough experience and then realize i have grey hair and arthritis and would rather watch reruns of as the world turns and wheel of fortune.

i'm naive.
i know i know.
i'm a dreamer and an idealist.
i know.

but i just want to DO something.  to feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  to have my own place.  to make the mistakes and to fix them.  and probably make them again and fix them again.  to work alongside like-minded like-hearted individuals.

let's talk about our dreams.



mine are being put into words. coming soon.
love.


p.s. i want to start a food blog about the art of learning to cook with no money.  i need blog name ideas. go.