Monday, January 10, 2011

the passing year

so i like making goals, resolutions, what have you, but last year i made nothing definite, i honestly felt lost about the end of 2009, but i wrote this.

january 1, 2010

i am thankful for a change, while it may only be in the numbers in the date.  there is motivation and a bit of a fresh feeling beginning a new year. a new decade. and allowing the past to be the past.  i have always been (and probably always will be ) one for nostalgia and attachment.  i know that change is good.  change is our only constant.  and there are times when the pain must be healed by distance -- in time.  the past must be allowed to be in the past while the future is allowed to be the present.  til kind of a novel concept, i suppose. 

its always rough on me, the new year, the idea of time passage, what was left behind, what was lost, who and what will never be again.  and at this point in my life, i feel a bit lost in my own life that i am finding it harder to make goals and dream dreams of what this year holds, or the opportunities that which it may have. 

i want to be BETTER. 
i want HONESTY -with myself. my relationships. my family. my community
i want to lose my mind investing in a project. 

i am interested in pursuing writing.
i am interested in recording life as i know it. 
i am interested in CONSISTENCY. 
i am interested in GROWTH. 
and in being LOST. 
and LIVING, not just watching.  

its pretty epic to see where i came from one year ago, to remember those feelings, to know really that i achieved those things, even if just a bit.  2010 was a bit scattered, scrambled, screwy, if you will.
i made choices i never thought i would.
i put myself in a totally new world.
i pushed myself further than ever and forced myself to be real with myself.  which in turn was much harder than imagined.
i learned a ton.
i found myself loving a boy that is just as scattered as me.
i have pushed the nonsense out of the way a bit to feel the solid ground under my feet once again.
and to begin this year, that might be the best thing of all.
i spent 2010 searching.
i think i'm ready for a new year.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

dreams and future dreams

i'm applying to grad school?

i think its true. weird.
i think i'm coming to a place in my life where i'm tired of waiting for something great to happen in my life and i'm ready to do the doing.

does that make sense?

i'm have no money. i work a bunch.  i'm feeling unfulfilled.  i'm ready to stretch more.
i did not expect these words to be flying off my fingers anytime soon since i'm still getting my stable feet under me.

i recently have been throwing dream ideas around with some friends and i realize that there is no reason we need to wait to begin our dreams.  why does everyone think you have to "grow up" first and work a million crappy jobs and listen to crazy boss's and feel under-appreciated first before we can do the "BIG" thing we've always dreamed of.  i totally understand the art of working your way up and gaining experience so you can be the best and really know what you're talking about.  i'm for that art.  but i also do not want to spend my life waiting to have enough money, enough time, enough experience and then realize i have grey hair and arthritis and would rather watch reruns of as the world turns and wheel of fortune.

i'm naive.
i know i know.
i'm a dreamer and an idealist.
i know.

but i just want to DO something.  to feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  to have my own place.  to make the mistakes and to fix them.  and probably make them again and fix them again.  to work alongside like-minded like-hearted individuals.

let's talk about our dreams.

mine are being put into words. coming soon.

p.s. i want to start a food blog about the art of learning to cook with no money.  i need blog name ideas. go.