as of late.

(photo of my most recent fortune from the taco stand. very appropriate.)


some thoughts as of late


holidays are an odd combination of stress and joy. family and friends. new and old. love and bitterness. all stirred together in a slew of days with early mornings and late nights. exhausting yet wonderful. but once they're over, i think i'm actually glad that they are. relieved in a sense.


i have found myself with quite a frustration toward photography. i realize it's been going on for about a year now. the way money really affects the ease in which it can be achieved. money affects the means and advances. the way i don't have any money. et cetera.


i believe i have learned the beauty in pain. the beauty in the broken down. the beauty of being able to say "i can't do this anymore." because in that, in the midst of all of that, you are human. you are real. there is an authenticity there that cannot be found many other places. and from there, truth can be found.

we don't need this "put on a pretty face" junk anymore. we don't need to cover ourselves with money, the "hip-factor, fake smiles, fake plastic trees, if you will. we just need to be real. to feel what we feel. to be who we are. and really, it is from that spot of knowing who you are, no matter how much it hurts, is where we can learn what love is. but only from there.

i really believe that.



the end of 2 0 0 eight is coming quickly. as if i fell asleep and let it all go by, it mostly feels foggy, like a dream. this has been my hardest year of my twenty-two. but i think i've become more human. the realness of life can hit you hard, harsh, painfully, yet beautifully and full of grace. this year will be a monument in my scope of life, i do believe.

there is weight to this life.
it is light.
it is heavy.

the deeper we go, the more we are able to feel the difference.


this year's love had better last...

here's to finals

there is something about staying up late finishing a paper.
knowing you will finish.
even if you see the sunrise.
and honestly, a little sunrise never hurt.

the crunch of finals.
the slew of sweatpants and groggy faces.
the stressed out strangers you strangely identify with.
the coffee being poured.
the ever needed breaks that tend to run longer than is responsible,
but needed for sanity's sake.

the regrets from all the bad decisions over the semester
to not "work ahead" or "manage your time" better
(those are in quotations because they are still lofty ideals to me)


the way procrastination takes on all new heights
the way facebook never seemed so intriguing
the way cleaning never seemed so necessary
and daydreams
and people watching
never held such glitter

how i find myself reading more design blogs
than i ever knew existed
and designing my pleasant studio/home/bakery of the future.
and creating precise playlists for the occasion.
and uncovering the music that was gathering dust in my library
to find the perfect motivational notes to make it worth it.

and then there's the last moment.
and it is d o n e.
the sense of relief and completion.
an epic nap.
a celebration.
no matter what the outcome, there's no going back.
because,
in the strict appreciation of its essence and epithet,

it is final.




there is beauty in the complete.


an ode to finals week.
you earned it.

in case you were wondering,

i am thankful for melanie.

the twelfth month

dear december,

you are here again. after a long 339 days, you appear and yet i'm always surprised. you are sneaky. maybe one day i'll learn.

you always seem to bring a certain smell in the wind.
a magic spirit to the days that doesn't come any other time of year.
there's something about you that puts unity in the minds of people.
yet an unsteady loneliness follows in the shadows.

and let's be honest,
you have your own music. enough said.
you are not to be ignored.

your season brings many memories to the front of my mind.
laughter and love. tears and heartache.
i am thankful nonetheless.

we've got twenty-two days left. let's make it a good end to the shady year we've had.

sincerely yours.


p.s. a little snow would be nice.

thankful.

i am thankful

for grace. for my crazy family and a warm bed. for my athens family. for understanding. for laughter and tears. for sour patch kids. for beautiful music and people who play it. for the turning from day to night. for rebirth. for apple products. for long conversations. for the invention of photography. for written words. for trees and growth and the understanding they give to each other. for distance not changing anything. for when distance does change things. for adventure and the unknown. for the chance to finish college. for eyeliner. for a dancing melody. for fire pits. for seasons and fallen leaves. for jesus. for wikipedia and gmail. for mexican food. for fresh brewed coffee. for good design and aesthetics and people who can appreciate it. for polaroid film. for technology and also the distance from it. for memories. for friendship that transcends. for love. for freedom.

this list could go on forever.
and maybe i should keep writing it.
it may be good for me honestly.



a delayed thanksgiving post. thank you.

"may the free make others free."

yes.


how much this sentence, this call, this command resonates with me.



freedom leads to jubilee.

much to say about this. can't quite find all the words yet.
it needs to steep a bit more.

what if.

i have big dreams.

dreams of living in a community that understands love and truth and freedom. and even though i don't always live those things out, i believe in them every moment. and i want to surround myself with them.

what if.
what if love could be my song?
what if freedom was our communication?
what if truth was all over our relationships?
what if that was all that mattered?

what if healing was for certain and we believed it?
what if we grew together instead of apart?
what if we took care of one another instead of just ourselves?
what if we could call each other home?
what if questions and confrontations were comforting because we saw it as being alive and sharing life?

what if we understood what community really looks like?
what if we tried to understand each other first?


i am dreaming big about a bakery that could change the world.
that could be home. a house of love and freedom. of art and music. of dance. of truth and grace. a place to be understood and accepted. a place to find your people and your place.

right now its just a dream but what if. maybe just maybe it could become a reality.



this is just what i have in mind.

i just wish i could put into words my deep love for halloween.

pumpkin carving. candy. costumes. hilarity. fall. dance party insanity.

maybe one day you will understand.

epic

nashville. to continue the epic-ness of my life.
i sit here while the rain hits the window sills after driving frankie to
the airport bright and early and i'm hit with the beautiful grace of it all.
of life and love. of movement and ability. of chance and risk and worth.
of redemption.
that's all i have at the moment. 
these lyrics are bursting with truth and understanding and grace. 


When the world welcomes us in,
We're closer to Heaven than we'll ever know.
They say this place has changed,
But strip away all of the technology
And you will see
That we all are hunters,
Hunting for something that will make us okay.

Here we lay alone in hospital beds,
Tracing life in our heads;
But all that is left
Is that this was our entrance and now it's our exit,
As we find our way home.

All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.

"You were a million years of work,"
Said God and His angels, with needle and thread.
They kissed your head and said,
"You're a good kid and you make us proud.
So just give your best and the rest will come,
And we'll see you soon."

All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That maybe Hollywood was right:
When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,
The answers that we have been dying to find
Are all pieced together and, somehow,
Made perfectly mine.

We are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of love.

sleeping at last "needle and thread" 

today.

a day for change.
quite a monumental day.
dressed for america this morning with the roommates and went out to make our voices heard at 8 am.

for justice and equality.
for opportunity and prosperity.
for healing of our nation.
for restoration.

to hear our president-elect speak justice and unity over our country was indescribable. to see people of this town and country join together fighting for equality and opportunity, making their voices heard gives me hope. i am encouraged beyond measure.

today is big.

while i could write forever about what i see in our future, the possibilities, and the actual change from children born into poverty to movie stars, i won't today. i think i need just a moment to sit in this piece of history and let my hope for this country be reborn.

i am thankful.

there has never been anything false about hope.

one day you're near.

i love the bond i can share with another human being.
there is beauty in connection.

i am constantly baffled by the interaction humans have with one another and the way i can open and close myself and let myself out (or not) and feel safe and refreshed and understood (or none of those things).

like i said, it's beautiful.

freedom

i'm not usually a fan of huge blanket statements, but
october is the best.
athens in october is the best.

it amazes me how i can fall so in love with a city.

the idea of freedom has captured me as of late.
the glory that is freedom. the thought that some have no idea what it feels like to be free. people born into captivity. people living in it with no taste for freedom.
we can talk about sex slavery, emotional baggage, sin, addiction, poverty, violence, abuse, lies. all keep us from freedom, keep our eyes shut to the beauty this world holds. for us. for all.
inwardly and outwardly people are held captive.
humans, including myself, many times live without knowing life can be different. that a change can be made.

i want to live. to show and share in freedom.
to let love release beauty.
to let captives free.

it was for freedom that we were set free.

there is great weight in that statement.
i want to hold those words close to my heart.

same things can be different

my favorite athens establishment of all time.
yeah. as we all know, it has transformed quite a bit. it is classy and even swanky at times. they have wonderful imports and large booths. its very aesthetically pleasing. the design is beautiful.
but the old hot corner character...it has been lost.

to sit here as i do from time to time. i test it out. to see if it will come back to its roots. it never satisfies me. now don't get me wrong, trapeze is one of my favorite bars of all time. i might could say it is growing to be a favorite establishment. i just wish with my whole heart that both, two of my favorite places, could have lived side by side instead of one or the other.

there's something about sharing a couch and a coffee table with a complete stranger while at 3 am you are both working diligently on research papers that are due the next day...and trying to avoid facebook. something about knowing you're not the only procrastinator in the city. or the only night owl. knowing the furniture is older than i am. it was always buzzing. it was a culture. i miss it.

i just got the "are you crazy?" look from a guy who is sitting on the chair next to the couch i sat down on. apparently this is too close for comfort for him. apparently he thinks he deserves the whole coffee table and the only not wooden seats in the house. he clearly doesn't remember hot corner. trapeze is all about personal space i guess.

enough for my rant.
i apologize for the length.

it kinda really feels like fall outside today. i know it's because it's overcast.
i like wearing tanktops in the beginning of fall. i need to feel the chill. throughout the year i forget what that feels like.
remember to enjoy it.

the first candy corn of the season.
it is glorious.

fall is coming.
that means pumpkins. falling leaves. long walks. halloween. scarfs. boots. orange. browns. porch sitting. hot tea. pumpkin spice everything. pumpkin ale. deep breaths. climbing trees. cinnamon spice. adventure. october. haunted houses. costume parties. crisp air. thebike rides through town. carving pumpkins. tights. autumn love.

i really love this season. i'm glad it comes once a year.

there is grace felt in this season. i'm constantly reminded of myself, my flesh, my jesus, as everything around me dies in order to bring new growth in the spring. it's a sweet season. there is beauty all around. in the changes coming. mmm. love.

the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
exodus 14:14.



and the tears fall.

what am i to think of what the writing of a thousand lifetimes could not explain if all the trees were pens and all the oceans ink?

i decided a while ago that i wasn't going to allow myself to be hurt anymore. i decided that i could just be strong. i had felt the worst pain i had felt and i never wanted to feel it again.

i have a pattern with pain, i've come to realize. i long for an escape. eventually i find it. and usually in the escape i learn that running from my pain isn't really what i was made for. i have learned and continue to learn that i am meant to feel. to understand. to hurt. as much as i look to find the opposite.

the running never really gets me anywhere. while physically i could be halfway across the world, my heart is still the same.
this last adventure i realized all of this before i left, knowing the change in location was not to be an escape but an adventure. a head-clearing. a heart-moving. i tend to have a jumbled head and need blank slates in order to make sense of my non-order.

i have a lot of trash. a lot of things i've kept in boxes. both literally and figuratively.

can't go back now.

i'm back. from travel. from escape. from being dull and null.
updates from vagabond life will follow.

i can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

the weepies sing about my life.

people steal and people get married.

so this weekend, one of my best friends got married. it was amazing and beautiful to be apart of celebrating such an incredible relationship and to be able to see God so clearly in each step that they have taken.  seriously.  an honor to know them. i love the way that life plays out beautifully.  it was a weekend of best friends, laughter, and a whole lot of love. 

yet there was a downside to the fairy tale weekend...

thursday night, after a wonderful dinner at the cheesecake factory, the bride-to-be and all of her bridesmaids headed to cafe intermezzo. 

having all of our stuff in our cars for the entire weekend caused us to be great targets for robbery. 

we walk out to our cars and see two broken windows. 

missing items:

my macbook

two handbags

my ipod

all my jewelry

journal from the past four months

jumpdrive

season one of the office

computer cords and such

gift cards

and all kinds of other sentimental stuff

all my photos. my music. my art projects. gone.  the irreplaceable last four months of life as it was recorded by hand or via digital media. gone. 

my life as far as technology goes. gone. 

this blog will probably be lacking for a while. 

i am without computer indefinitely. 

my digital life is really non-existent at this point.  

my life is all paper now. yet the paper has kind  of lost it's glamour. 

 

i'm feeling a bit lost to say the least. 

deep summer is where laziness meets productivity.

while i enjoy new beginnings, list of projects, and goals, summer also holds this great ability for laziness.  like it's asking me to wake up in the morning, get some coffee, after reading the paper and breathing in the summer air, sit on the couch, turn the tv to mtv and/or vh1 and just watch music videos.  watch trash. catch up on all the real world episodes you've missed while you were studying, working, or heaven forbid playing outside.  but really, there is something that just coerces me to sit there in my pjs all day watching stuff i don't care about.  

i've learned too that even though i tend to believe that these so-called "music" channels no longer show videos, if you watch for an extended period of time, you will catch at least two.

all of this to say, i still really have no idea why i do this.  maybe it has something to do with the fact that i can and for the past year plus, i couldn't.  whatever the reason, i do it.  and...i kinda hate it.  

but summer, the good season that it is, never really makes me feel bad about it.  summer just pats me on the back at the end of the day, as if to say, "well done. you fulfilled everything i had planned for you today. you soaked in enough mind-numbing american trash for all you missed in the past year. you can check out that list of new projects and accomplish something tomorrow."

i'm making a mess.

while life takes its sweet little twists and turns, i am still comforted by slight nuances and gems that fall in the most unpredicted places. 

cool summer nights. a cuddly cat. pansies planted by my dad. a good glass of wine, a big sister that pulls through for once. old friends that never change. good books with lines that hold meaning.  basil plants. enjoyable chord progressions. grandmas learning about lip rings. porches. great ideas.

"i can't imagine anything but music that could have brought about this alchemy. maybe it's because music is about as physical as it gets: your essential rhythm is your heartbeat; your essential sound, the breath.  we're walking temples of noise, and when you add tender hearts to this mix, it somehow lets us meet in places we couldn't get to any other way. "

-anne lamott, traveling mercies

your best suit and dress

we were driving around running errands the other day, listening to death cab. 

listening to "the new year", discussing how it's one of our favorites.

 then we hear

 "i wish the world was flat like the old days. you could travel just by folding a map."

 this conversation ensued:

mel: what a great discovery.

me: music? death cab? 

mel: no. the fact that the world isn't flat.

(short pause)

mel: i think it might be the best discovery yet.

i love melanie. 

so close.

summer is almost here.

start again

dearest april, 

thank you for bringing me out of the funk. 

your friends that came before you were not really cutting it, but you, you came and saved the day. 

you made us laugh and cry and sit on the porch and breathe in life.

you brought us flowers and storms and joy again. 

you were made for new growth.

you pulled out all the stops. 

your efforts are truly appreciated.

thanks for showing us what 2008 can be. i had lost hope for a little while. 

i knew i always liked you. 

i'll miss you. come back soon.

your friend, 

jess

words like "lost and found".

sam beam makes me want to pick up my guitar again. 

and makes me want to fall in love. 

last night was beautiful. a voice of beauty, love, humility. backed by an eight piece band. sold out variety playhouse with every face awaiting his voice. standing in silence, in awe. 

my soul needed it. 

a night of rest and peace. of enjoying beauty.

it's not just about watching a good musician, but life overall. to live for something more than ten page papers and serving pizza. 

i'm thankful for the moments that bring me back to where my soul finds rest and my heart remembers what makes it feel alive. 

there have been too many days that have been filled with just getting by. 

i'm thankful to be able to feel alive again. love again. 

it's been a hard three months. you should know that. 

may the sun rise bring   h o p e   where it once was forgotten

dream to make believe.

i'm 22. i have a lot of dreams and ambitions.  i have decided that i will not sit on the side lines and watch my life pass me by. that sounds melodramatic, but i'm kind of serious.  

i am desperate to see my dreams become a reality. 

sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in my life a bit. and i felt like it a lot this morning.  things have been tough. i have been tried. i woke up this morning to find that i again slept through my classes and other important things that are NOT ok. and realizing much needs to change so today begins "jess will be  r e s p o n s i b l e  for 3 weeks". mark my words.

things "responsible" entails: 

1. going to all my classes.
   
2. getting up every morning. 
   
3. not being late to work.
   
4. reading and studying. 
   
5. doing homework.
   
6. spending time alone with God. 
   
7. journaling myself so i don't feel crazy. 
   
8. returning phone calls and emails. 
   

these things may seem simple. but i, jessica anne rosenkoetter, am not good at them, especially the school things, and in the last 2 months, my life has a bit fallen apart and none much of this has happened. so i guess i'll begin. three weeks of senior year number one. 

in other news, spring has come and made its home with us. 

i'm pretty much in love with that fact of life. 

birthdays are for lovers.

birthdays are the best. 

april 5th is the best.

my friends are the best. 

that's really it. 

this weekend was like old times. everyone was back in town. the 167 had a million people in it. we didn't sleep. we laughed the whole time. 

once upon a time.

i find an outlet in writing. in creating. in people. 

so i'm jumping on this so-called blogging bandwagon. 

welcome to my world. 

sorry it's a mess.