time has changed us.
for the better.

today i cleaned out my inbox.  i had over 3,000 unread messages.
no, i'm not that popular.  no, i'm not famous.
yes, i have a problem.  yes, i sign up for newsletters and coupons and clubs and never EVER read the emails.  yes, the first step is recognizing my problem.  i get it.  it's ridiculous.
but as of right now, i have ZERO unread messages.

today, i bought a new macbook pro.  i have had this one currently typing this blog for over four years and i bought it from a friend used.  it has been loved and is acting like a dinosaur.  i will need to be more social network-y and mobile for my new job so i decided to grow up and bite the bullet. and i feel good.  no buyers remorse here. it will be here so soon. ahhh.

today, i will sit in the sun and read my copy of Garden and Gun that came to me today and i will be happy.

and here i am, realizing that i'm a writer.  again.  and i want to write.

i have wanted to stay private for a while, for some much needed self care and understanding.

but prepare yourselves to be apart of my world, the beauty and brokenness that it is,
if anyone even reads this anymore.
lovelovelove.

hi.
it's been a while.
my life, as life in general goes, has been in a constant state of change and movement.
mostly good, positive movement.
movement in many ways.

change is good. necessary. beautiful.
yet change is also hard. challenging. painful.

there is always a part of big change that takes leaving something behind.  whether it be part of the person you once were, the memories, the stillness.
change puts fear in me.  and i take it in. soak in it during the transition. because that is the only way i know how to deal with it.  the only way i know how to not long for it afterwards.  i must soak. absorb. drench my soul in all that once was in order to be prepared and be entirely whole and present for the whatever the future may hold.

in this change, i have realized that my way of dealing with my change is difficult to watch from the outside at times.

perspective.
perspective has forced me to dig in and figure out why i do what i do. why certain things are difficult for my heart. why i make certain things difficult.

growth is eminent.
change is beauty.
i am understanding.

more & more.

should i

over the last four weeks, my life has changed drastically once again.  the reason i moved to asheville, a family owned restaurant, closed down suddenly.  left unemployed, confused, and with no way to pay my rent, i moved into a bit of crisis-confusion mode.
crisis mode, you know, the mornings when i wake up and sit on craigslist and think about how all of those jobs seem equal to water torture and then i end up sending my resume anyway because i'm freaking out and whatthehellamigonnado. and the afternoons where i realize i have nothing to do so i start hammering bottle caps flat in hopes of being inspired (read: low point). and the everything else where i bounce back and forth between feeling    f r e e   and feeling  l o s t
and nothing in between
and everything in between.

i don't know.

in the past four weeks, i have acquired three jobs that i think are pretty cool, but all part time. i am drained of all brain power to listen.
i am surrounded by super passionate and knowledgeable people all day which is encouraging to say the least.
i'm learning stuff i never thought i'd learn, which is a changing experience.
one to burst your mind,  in a good way.

yet
i am faced with decisions. to stay in asheville. to go away to somewhere new. to move back home. to start afresh. to continue to invest and have to work my way up. to work towards something great. to work just to pay my rent. to accept the change. to accept the challenge.

again i ask, what should i be doing with my life?

today.

a day for change.
quite a monumental day.
dressed for america this morning with the roommates and went out to make our voices heard at 8 am.

for justice and equality.
for opportunity and prosperity.
for healing of our nation.
for restoration.

to hear our president-elect speak justice and unity over our country was indescribable. to see people of this town and country join together fighting for equality and opportunity, making their voices heard gives me hope. i am encouraged beyond measure.

today is big.

while i could write forever about what i see in our future, the possibilities, and the actual change from children born into poverty to movie stars, i won't today. i think i need just a moment to sit in this piece of history and let my hope for this country be reborn.

i am thankful.

there has never been anything false about hope.