the passing year

so i like making goals, resolutions, what have you, but last year i made nothing definite, i honestly felt lost about the end of 2009, but i wrote this.

january 1, 2010


i am thankful for a change, while it may only be in the numbers in the date.  there is motivation and a bit of a fresh feeling beginning a new year. a new decade. and allowing the past to be the past.  i have always been (and probably always will be ) one for nostalgia and attachment.  i know that change is good.  change is our only constant.  and there are times when the pain must be healed by distance -- in time.  the past must be allowed to be in the past while the future is allowed to be the present.  til kind of a novel concept, i suppose. 


its always rough on me, the new year, the idea of time passage, what was left behind, what was lost, who and what will never be again.  and at this point in my life, i feel a bit lost in my own life that i am finding it harder to make goals and dream dreams of what this year holds, or the opportunities that which it may have. 


i want to be BETTER. 
i want HONESTY -with myself. my relationships. my family. my community
i want to lose my mind investing in a project. 


i am interested in pursuing writing.
i am interested in recording life as i know it. 
i am interested in CONSISTENCY. 
i am interested in GROWTH. 
and in being LOST. 
and LIVING, not just watching.  






its pretty epic to see where i came from one year ago, to remember those feelings, to know really that i achieved those things, even if just a bit.  2010 was a bit scattered, scrambled, screwy, if you will.
i made choices i never thought i would.
i put myself in a totally new world.
i pushed myself further than ever and forced myself to be real with myself.  which in turn was much harder than imagined.
i learned a ton.
i found myself loving a boy that is just as scattered as me.
i have pushed the nonsense out of the way a bit to feel the solid ground under my feet once again.
and to begin this year, that might be the best thing of all.
i spent 2010 searching.
i think i'm ready for a new year.