i decided a while ago that i wasn't going to allow myself to be hurt anymore. i decided that i could just be strong. i had felt the worst pain i had felt and i never wanted to feel it again.

i have a pattern with pain, i've come to realize. i long for an escape. eventually i find it. and usually in the escape i learn that running from my pain isn't really what i was made for. i have learned and continue to learn that i am meant to feel. to understand. to hurt. as much as i look to find the opposite.

the running never really gets me anywhere. while physically i could be halfway across the world, my heart is still the same.
this last adventure i realized all of this before i left, knowing the change in location was not to be an escape but an adventure. a head-clearing. a heart-moving. i tend to have a jumbled head and need blank slates in order to make sense of my non-order.

i have a lot of trash. a lot of things i've kept in boxes. both literally and figuratively.