on growing up and heartache

i'm finding that growing up is harder than i ever imagined.
it's hardest when you are at it alone
it's most confusing because you are alone.
and everyone is fighting for themselves alone,
singularly.
until you find that one that wants to fight along side you.
and for you.
and you don't have to be alone anymore.
but sometimes that person who fought alongside of you changes his/her mind or gets confused or distracted or lost
and begins to fight against you.
and your battle seems harder than it ever seemed
like your strength together weakened you individually
when its actually your comfort got the best of you

and it gets hard and confusing for a while

and maybe, just maybe
the confusion, the waves, they stop hitting so hard
and your strength returns
you might be alone again
fighting for yourself
and you have distant yet fond memories of that one who came and fought at your side

and i guess you're better for it.

it cost so much to be a full human being

"yesterday i met a whole man. it is a rare experience, but always an illuminating and ennobling one. it costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment, or the courage, to pay the price. one has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. one has to embrace the world like a lover, and yet demand no easy return of love. one has to accept pain as a condition of existence. one has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. one needs a will stubborn in conflict but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."

- morris west, the shoes of a fisherman


love the power in this. 
found here

i need a lifestyle upgrade.

 

i need to get better at so many things right now, i'm overwhelmed.
does anyone else ever feel like that?

things and things

things i can't get enough of at this point in time include but are not limited to:

hellogiggles

        

pinterest! duh. follow me

            







also...
reality tv. its like i would much rather get overly involved in people's lives on tv than make real life decisions for myself.  its a bit avoidant, i admit, but its working for me right now

lykke li
and the decemberists

hot black coffee and nice earthy teas

                                                                                                   sleeping way too late

re-reading malcolm gladwell. he inspires me to think more.


also, my apartment cannot seem to keep itself together.
 i would think that you might walk in and say to yourself, "man! i bet she's working on something really great right now.  i can't wait to see this project/experiment/writing masterpiece."  false.
things are just a mess.
you would say that because there is just stuff all over the place. like i'm too wrapped up inside my brain to put stuff where it goes.

i keep toying with the idea of moving or not and so i can't seem to get comfortable in my space.
one of my least favorite things is to spend time doing something just to undo it or redo it. so i'd rather live in limbo.
this is a bad idea, everyone.

just saw this video. its real.  i think everyone can relate in one way or the other. 

whether its death, or a breakup, or loss in anyway. watch this. be moved. 

this song and these words have been resonating in me this week. 

there will come a time, you'll see

with no more tears

where love will not break your heart

but dismiss your fears

get over your hill 

and see what you find there

with grace in your heart 

and flowers in your hair

i am in a constant state of renewal 

and also reworking and reinventing

[and of confusing myself]

and of questioning my choice

past and present

and of seeking peace

and of craving patience

and of reaching for the joy i once saw. 

with grace in your heart

and flowers in your hair

always a new cloud

photo at tybee. one of laura's dad's creations

… another few days gone off forever. Yes, yes, yes, & where do they go? & who collects them all. I’m watching these incredibly painterly, puffy pink clouds float overhead & off over the water. Where do they go? There are rusted boats bound for China, hungry seagulls leaving steampipes, the mindless tide in search of its zenith. But where does the time go when it’s gone? For now, all these beautiful things out the window seem to have such an overwhelming weight, it’s difficult to imagine them all floating away for the rest of time. Though I know they are. On the other hand, there are always new clouds coming into view, new boats, new birds, new tides. I see the pattern in myself too. For sometimes the spirits are so high, & sometimes they drag so low… but always there are spirits. Thankfully. 
-joshua heineman of CursiveBuildings




i love these words. 

ever have the fear of making your own choices

fear of the reality that you are grown and decide your next steps

fear of picking out, of opting for 

[the secret fear of settling for]

the wrong, incorrect, illogical, irreversable 

ever need to be reminded that your choices will not be wrong
that you just need to move forward
that you just need to follow your heart [and your clouds] 
because your fears are screaming louder than everything else


life is full of decisions, of choices
and there is great beauty in that
and awesome freedom
and my fears are my insecurities
which sometimes cause me to freeze
but not this time
i'm choosing choices
next steps
future plans
adventures
there is comfort in these words:

there are always new cloud coming into view, new boats, new birds new tides.