A great sin: the fear, and ultimately paralyzation, of becoming.

You are not who you want to be, and the path is unclear, so you sit down in the dirt. The cloud of dust is comforting for awhile as it has the illusion of movement, but you’ve been fooled. The dust settles on your increasingly stiffened muscles. Rigamortis, God forbid. God forbid.

God forbid you sit in on the path and refuse maturation. God forbid you let the dust settle and you deny redemption. God forbid the fear of taking a step forward or backward or left or right and you deny process. God, in great humility, does not forbid failure. God does not forbid mistakes. God does not forbid missteps. Go fail and fail well! is the voice of God. Do nothing! is the voice of evil.

Stillness is not dualistic. There is a good, sacred stillness, and there is an evil stillness: the stillness of fear. You cannot stay in the desert. You may go to the desert, and you may be in the desert for a time, but if you stay then you choose death. Leave the desert. Leave now while you can, while you are still alive. Leave while you are able to choose to work out your life with good fear and with good trembling. We have so little time and we have so much time.

thanks longbrake

all the stars are coming out

its so interesting how life turned out. 

and i sit here on this autumn evening, wondering 

wishing

climbing through my memories 

really how did i get here?

and i know that it is beautiful 

no matter how hard and ugly and tumultuous

no matter how much new growth and heartache and broken pieces have fallen to the ground

these days i find myself in between such grand heartache and excitement, sadness and joy, broken pieces and that feeling of being complete.  what an odd place to be. and a mix of emotions that is just hard, unsettling, and kind of awesome.  

i think i'm really beginning to accept

that truly, in this life, 

 there is joy 

and love, 

beauty, yes to be found. 

[feeling introspective, what's new]

picture from the rainy outer banks, nc from a couple weekends ago. awesomely needed vacation.

currently listening to: the mountain goats, fleet foxes, tv on the radio, sleigh bells, and bon iver.
fall is upon me.

that is funny.

and a true observation of my life and yours.


IS THIS LIFE?!?

dear august,

you are the busiest month. you show us so much.

and truly, i always feel the most challenged and the most growth here with you as the summer comes to an end.
you brought us joy in those hot summer nights where we can sit on the porch til all hours enjoying one another's company.
and those epic storms
and memories to be kept for a lifetime.

yet
it never seems to be the way i planned it.
but its good, indeed.

i am thankful
for all the laughs you brought
as well as the tears
and the new friends
and the trials
as well as the leaps
for all the forward steps
and for all the push and pull
the ebb and flow
the hot and cold


let's watch the sun rise one more time.

don't rush by so quick next time.

sincerely yours,
jess


currently listening:: modern skirts "mrs."
resonates.

write me a letter, it's better to read things. 

on growing up and heartache

i'm finding that growing up is harder than i ever imagined.
it's hardest when you are at it alone
it's most confusing because you are alone.
and everyone is fighting for themselves alone,
singularly.
until you find that one that wants to fight along side you.
and for you.
and you don't have to be alone anymore.
but sometimes that person who fought alongside of you changes his/her mind or gets confused or distracted or lost
and begins to fight against you.
and your battle seems harder than it ever seemed
like your strength together weakened you individually
when its actually your comfort got the best of you

and it gets hard and confusing for a while

and maybe, just maybe
the confusion, the waves, they stop hitting so hard
and your strength returns
you might be alone again
fighting for yourself
and you have distant yet fond memories of that one who came and fought at your side

and i guess you're better for it.

it cost so much to be a full human being

"yesterday i met a whole man. it is a rare experience, but always an illuminating and ennobling one. it costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment, or the courage, to pay the price. one has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. one has to embrace the world like a lover, and yet demand no easy return of love. one has to accept pain as a condition of existence. one has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. one needs a will stubborn in conflict but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."

- morris west, the shoes of a fisherman


love the power in this. 
found here

i need a lifestyle upgrade.

 

i need to get better at so many things right now, i'm overwhelmed.
does anyone else ever feel like that?