time has changed us.
for the better.

today i cleaned out my inbox.  i had over 3,000 unread messages.
no, i'm not that popular.  no, i'm not famous.
yes, i have a problem.  yes, i sign up for newsletters and coupons and clubs and never EVER read the emails.  yes, the first step is recognizing my problem.  i get it.  it's ridiculous.
but as of right now, i have ZERO unread messages.

today, i bought a new macbook pro.  i have had this one currently typing this blog for over four years and i bought it from a friend used.  it has been loved and is acting like a dinosaur.  i will need to be more social network-y and mobile for my new job so i decided to grow up and bite the bullet. and i feel good.  no buyers remorse here. it will be here so soon. ahhh.

today, i will sit in the sun and read my copy of Garden and Gun that came to me today and i will be happy.

and here i am, realizing that i'm a writer.  again.  and i want to write.

i have wanted to stay private for a while, for some much needed self care and understanding.

but prepare yourselves to be apart of my world, the beauty and brokenness that it is,
if anyone even reads this anymore.
lovelovelove.

hi.
it's been a while.
my life, as life in general goes, has been in a constant state of change and movement.
mostly good, positive movement.
movement in many ways.

change is good. necessary. beautiful.
yet change is also hard. challenging. painful.

there is always a part of big change that takes leaving something behind.  whether it be part of the person you once were, the memories, the stillness.
change puts fear in me.  and i take it in. soak in it during the transition. because that is the only way i know how to deal with it.  the only way i know how to not long for it afterwards.  i must soak. absorb. drench my soul in all that once was in order to be prepared and be entirely whole and present for the whatever the future may hold.

in this change, i have realized that my way of dealing with my change is difficult to watch from the outside at times.

perspective.
perspective has forced me to dig in and figure out why i do what i do. why certain things are difficult for my heart. why i make certain things difficult.

growth is eminent.
change is beauty.
i am understanding.

more & more.