so i like making goals, resolutions, what have you, but last year i made nothing definite, i honestly felt lost about the end of 2009, but i wrote this.
january 1, 2010
i am thankful for a change, while it may only be in the numbers in the date. there is motivation and a bit of a fresh feeling beginning a new year. a new decade. and allowing the past to be the past. i have always been (and probably always will be ) one for nostalgia and attachment. i know that change is good. change is our only constant. and there are times when the pain must be healed by distance -- in time. the past must be allowed to be in the past while the future is allowed to be the present. til kind of a novel concept, i suppose.
its always rough on me, the new year, the idea of time passage, what was left behind, what was lost, who and what will never be again. and at this point in my life, i feel a bit lost in my own life that i am finding it harder to make goals and dream dreams of what this year holds, or the opportunities that which it may have.
i want to be BETTER.
i want HONESTY -with myself. my relationships. my family. my community
i want to lose my mind investing in a project.
i am interested in pursuing writing.
i am interested in recording life as i know it.
i am interested in CONSISTENCY.
i am interested in GROWTH.
and in being LOST.
and LIVING, not just watching.
its pretty epic to see where i came from one year ago, to remember those feelings, to know really that i achieved those things, even if just a bit. 2010 was a bit scattered, scrambled, screwy, if you will.
i made choices i never thought i would.
i put myself in a totally new world.
i pushed myself further than ever and forced myself to be real with myself. which in turn was much harder than imagined.
i learned a ton.
i found myself loving a boy that is just as scattered as me.
i have pushed the nonsense out of the way a bit to feel the solid ground under my feet once again.
and to begin this year, that might be the best thing of all.
i spent 2010 searching.
i think i'm ready for a new year.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
dreams and future dreams
i'm applying to grad school?
i think its true. weird.
i think i'm coming to a place in my life where i'm tired of waiting for something great to happen in my life and i'm ready to do the doing.
does that make sense?
i'm have no money. i work a bunch. i'm feeling unfulfilled. i'm ready to stretch more.
i did not expect these words to be flying off my fingers anytime soon since i'm still getting my stable feet under me.
i recently have been throwing dream ideas around with some friends and i realize that there is no reason we need to wait to begin our dreams. why does everyone think you have to "grow up" first and work a million crappy jobs and listen to crazy boss's and feel under-appreciated first before we can do the "BIG" thing we've always dreamed of. i totally understand the art of working your way up and gaining experience so you can be the best and really know what you're talking about. i'm for that art. but i also do not want to spend my life waiting to have enough money, enough time, enough experience and then realize i have grey hair and arthritis and would rather watch reruns of as the world turns and wheel of fortune.
i'm naive.
i know i know.
i'm a dreamer and an idealist.
i know.
but i just want to DO something. to feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. to have my own place. to make the mistakes and to fix them. and probably make them again and fix them again. to work alongside like-minded like-hearted individuals.
let's talk about our dreams.
mine are being put into words. coming soon.
love.
p.s. i want to start a food blog about the art of learning to cook with no money. i need blog name ideas. go.
i think its true. weird.
i think i'm coming to a place in my life where i'm tired of waiting for something great to happen in my life and i'm ready to do the doing.
does that make sense?
i'm have no money. i work a bunch. i'm feeling unfulfilled. i'm ready to stretch more.
i did not expect these words to be flying off my fingers anytime soon since i'm still getting my stable feet under me.
i recently have been throwing dream ideas around with some friends and i realize that there is no reason we need to wait to begin our dreams. why does everyone think you have to "grow up" first and work a million crappy jobs and listen to crazy boss's and feel under-appreciated first before we can do the "BIG" thing we've always dreamed of. i totally understand the art of working your way up and gaining experience so you can be the best and really know what you're talking about. i'm for that art. but i also do not want to spend my life waiting to have enough money, enough time, enough experience and then realize i have grey hair and arthritis and would rather watch reruns of as the world turns and wheel of fortune.
i'm naive.
i know i know.
i'm a dreamer and an idealist.
i know.
but i just want to DO something. to feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. to have my own place. to make the mistakes and to fix them. and probably make them again and fix them again. to work alongside like-minded like-hearted individuals.
let's talk about our dreams.
mine are being put into words. coming soon.
love.
p.s. i want to start a food blog about the art of learning to cook with no money. i need blog name ideas. go.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
some gems of the world wide web
just a few things that make me smile on this dreary final day of november.
Monday, November 29, 2010
december.
its inevitable.
the coming of winter.
the end of a year.
december is the sign of this.
the almost painful reminder that another year is gone
the excitement that a new year is starting
the decisions to make a change
to start fresh
to continue what has been
the reflection of what was
to see the joys
to revel in the regrets
the end of a year is always hard for me
to make dreams for the new year
to look back at dreams lost
especially when i feel in limbo once again.
yet it is quite a beautiful thing to see that i have completed my twenty-fourth year as a human being, survived, moved, created, lived
and if all goes as planned a new one is coming to do it all again
but better....
the coming of winter.
the end of a year.
december is the sign of this.
the almost painful reminder that another year is gone
the excitement that a new year is starting
the decisions to make a change
to start fresh
to continue what has been
the reflection of what was
to see the joys
to revel in the regrets
the end of a year is always hard for me
to make dreams for the new year
to look back at dreams lost
especially when i feel in limbo once again.
yet it is quite a beautiful thing to see that i have completed my twenty-fourth year as a human being, survived, moved, created, lived
and if all goes as planned a new one is coming to do it all again
but better....
Monday, November 8, 2010
i was tagged...
my dear friend mary tagged me...
1. what actor/actress would you want to play you in a movie?
maggie gyllenhaal. she's sexy, quirky, she plays that bad ass baker in stranger than fiction. awesome. duh.
2. who is your favorite author and what is your favorite book by them?
jonathan safran foer. extremely loud and incredibly close. i have read this book more times than any other. the character and the beautiful and bizarre outlook on life is one that invigorates.
[**to be fair, i love books. and it is hard for me to really say this is my favorite. i have a million favorites. i love characters and the setting of a scene and the feel of pages turning and the smell, oh the smell. maybe we can talk more about this.]
3. where would you go on a dream vacation?
prague for the beauty, and the south of france for the beauty, the food, the escape. and india for the beauty, the people, the different world, and the perspective.
that can be one long trip.
4. what are you most afraid of?
being alone for good. i used to be most afraid of death but i have found peace in life thus peace in death through all sorts of tribulations. but i think what that fear really came from was the fear of loneliness, of being alone, possibly a fear of not ever being known. thus, this move, this adventure is teaching me a lot.
5. if you could have all your friends on a deserted island, what are three things you would all do together?
dance party duh.
laugh.
probably have a huge bon fire, find some food, and sit and talk for hours because that's what we do now minus the deserted island.
6. what's something people don't know about you?
i'm continually becoming more and more claustrophobic. its way not fun.
7. what is your guilty pleasure?
trash tv, pizza rolls, spending obscene amounts of money at target, reading tfln.com hah so lame.
okay now you know.
1. what actor/actress would you want to play you in a movie?
2. who is your favorite author and what is your favorite book by them?
jonathan safran foer. extremely loud and incredibly close. i have read this book more times than any other. the character and the beautiful and bizarre outlook on life is one that invigorates.
[**to be fair, i love books. and it is hard for me to really say this is my favorite. i have a million favorites. i love characters and the setting of a scene and the feel of pages turning and the smell, oh the smell. maybe we can talk more about this.]
3. where would you go on a dream vacation?
prague for the beauty, and the south of france for the beauty, the food, the escape. and india for the beauty, the people, the different world, and the perspective.
that can be one long trip.
4. what are you most afraid of?
being alone for good. i used to be most afraid of death but i have found peace in life thus peace in death through all sorts of tribulations. but i think what that fear really came from was the fear of loneliness, of being alone, possibly a fear of not ever being known. thus, this move, this adventure is teaching me a lot.
5. if you could have all your friends on a deserted island, what are three things you would all do together?
dance party duh.
laugh.
probably have a huge bon fire, find some food, and sit and talk for hours because that's what we do now minus the deserted island.
6. what's something people don't know about you?
i'm continually becoming more and more claustrophobic. its way not fun.
7. what is your guilty pleasure?
trash tv, pizza rolls, spending obscene amounts of money at target, reading tfln.com hah so lame.
okay now you know.
Friday, October 29, 2010
what a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out to be
i'm tired of missing my favorite people. of being frustrated with my job. of being lonely. of the physical ache in my heart.
i'm tired of missing what home used to be made up of. tired of questioning my choices past and present.
the stressors of life alone have worn on me. to say the least.
worn out.
exhausting myself it seems.
they've taken their toll these latter days
this has all turned out to be
i'm tired of missing my favorite people. of being frustrated with my job. of being lonely. of the physical ache in my heart.
i'm tired of missing what home used to be made up of. tired of questioning my choices past and present.
the stressors of life alone have worn on me. to say the least.
worn out.
exhausting myself it seems.
they've taken their toll these latter days
Monday, October 25, 2010
treat::ghoulish goodies
halloween is a most delightful holiday. a low stress, all fun, eat as much candy as you can, dress up ridiculously, nothing is overboard kind of holiday which i must say is my favorite.
my love for baking plus my love for this season brings you this slew of autumn treats i have found perusing the world wide web of awesome.
who knows...maybe i'll actually make some time to bake some treats myself. i'll keep you posted.
autumn love.
my love for baking plus my love for this season brings you this slew of autumn treats i have found perusing the world wide web of awesome.
autumn love.
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