forward motion

“I moved on because I had to, because pain gets heavy when you carry it far from its source, like a bucket of water hauled miles from a stream–it acquires a whole new value, which is the sum of itsprimary essence and your secondary investment.”

from Anthropology of an American Girl by Hilary Thayer Hamann

i speak much about transition.  many of my posts on this blog describe change, movement, and new beginnings.  i love this quote from hilary thayer hamann because it explains moving forward in such a beautiful way.  so often i find myself carrying burdens or heartbreak for so long, it almost feels as though there is a separate attachment altogether to the pain.  letting go. moving on. those are things i find hard.  i almost can handle the pain i didn't inflict on myself better than even the question or possible thought of what letting go of it might feel like.  but in this moment and in the moment i read that quote, i felt relief.  we are not meant to carry our burdens for so long and so far away from their sources.  we are supposed to lay them down.  let them lay.  walk away.  leaving with the knowledge and the strength that they gave us.  not forgetting where they came from.  no leaving behind the beauty.  walking tall with a new energy.  embracing the motion forward.  

that is a beauty of life. 

amen. 

new-ology.

the wonders of being somewhere that isn't home is odd at this point in life.
where my last home became so much the essence of the word that i cannot remember clearly what it was like to start anew.  attempting to find my way and meet new people and eat at the good places and not stick out too much as the one who doesn't belong can become exhausting. that's the truth.

all this to say, the new city brings about new challenges. well, maybe its just the word new.

Moments of moving, of living alone for the first time, of being the ‘new girl’:

1. being asked your name over and over or being referred to as "the new girl" gets really old.
2. pizza rolls, carrots, and pbr for dinner. Just like college. just like me. somethings never change. 
3.  Wearing whatever I want, no one to impress, no one around whose opinions I really care about yet, and honestly, its not like I see that many people anyway. i can experiment or where the same thing all week. no big deal. 
4. Via number 3, naked/in my underwear whenever I feel appropriate.  The people in my house are the people I asked to be there and are expecting.  As much as I loved living in the crazy houses of pineview and chase street, there was never much safety.  Always a boy walking in the back door when you just got out of the shower or someone barging in your room to borrow something (without knocking) when you are naked.  Always the worst timing.  Never dull, but its nice to be able to just be.
5.  I am learning I can be a bit paranoid. Maybe in a young girl-alone for the first time-don’t want to be raped kinda way. Maybe not. The jury is still out.
6. I've never made so many U-turns in my life. 
7.  Never did I realize how deeply dependent I am or have been on my friends, on smiling faces, on touch, on hugs.  Here, I barely get to touch people.  And when I do randomly get a side hug or something, I feel like crying. Seriously, I know I’m emotional, but I’m also a physical touch lover. I am also dependent of people already understanding me and not having to explain myself.  I mumble, I switch the words around in my sentences, I think little life things are funny.  Not everyone gets me right off the bat.  It makes me miss the people I don’t have to explain myself to.
8.  I took for granted seeing my favorite people in the whole world every single day.  I took for granted saying, “see you guys tomorrow” when each night came to a close.  Saying it not because we had made plans for the next 24 hours or because we lived in the same house, but because we got to hang out every day and would inevitably end up at the same place, on the same porch, drinking the same beer, working the same shift, or dancing the same dance.  I never really realized how not-normal that is until I came here. 
9. The truth is i never realized how much I would miss home. 

i'm sure that the new moments will continue to come

but also the beginnings of a new roots will begin to stick into the ground. and i will begin to see illustrations of this all around me. i hope. 

on moving.

transitions are something.
i recently moved. moved to asheville. it all happened very fast, like a whirlwind.  decisions made. boxes packed. goodbyes said. and then to new beginnings.

i left behind my favorites. my favorite city with my favorite favorite people to try something new. i was given an opportunity for change and i took it.  i know that many don't understand, but when you know you need it, you take it.  you leap. i leapt.
i was becoming stagnant at home.  i was not unhappy but i wasn't moving forward. if i may be cliche for a moment, life is too short and i am too young to be stuck.  and one morning i woke up and felt the truth of that in my bones.
and i chose. i chose to leave.

and although i am sometimes lonely, sad, unhappy, worn out, i know in the deepest part of me that i needed this.  not necessarily asheville, but i needed a change. a new breath. a challenge for myself.
i have needed the push to go and   s  t  r  e  t  c  h   myself.    and i am fully aware that i might hate it hear and miss home and on and on but i had to leave, even if its simply for a season.

i think it is necessary to challenge your feelings of comfort, then you will know what is real.


so here i sit. here. in a new city, new apartment, new job, new faces.  i am the "new girl" again.
here i will begin again.