the need for umbrellas.

2011-12-26T02:49:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about years gone by
I'm thinking about church at midnight
I'm thinking about letting go
I think that might finally be alright

simmering on the years past,
all the loves and losses, all the joys and tribulations,
my heart is happy today
even in the loneliest moments, even in the sad ones,
i can confidently say that i am happy.
i have learned and grown and seen and been opened up
once again
and i'm reminded that its all forward motion.
it has to be.

But this is where we shine

and sometimes love is all my heart can have. it has been a hard year. a long year. an exhausting one and a revealing one.
unexpected-ness around all the corners.
and strength has been pulled from places of defeat
it has been and now we're here remembering.

Then I'm gonna catch my breath
And make it a long December
If we've got nothing left
This could be worth remembering
With a smile upon my face

Silver bells and open fire
And songs we used to sing
One more chance to be inspired
Is what I'm offering if love is not enough
Then stay with me because
The heartache can wait

one more chance to be inspired.
merry christmas to all.

2011-11-11T02:07:00.000-05:00

A great sin: the fear, and ultimately paralyzation, of becoming.

You are not who you want to be, and the path is unclear, so you sit down in the dirt. The cloud of dust is comforting for awhile as it has the illusion of movement, but you’ve been fooled. The dust settles on your increasingly stiffened muscles. Rigamortis, God forbid. God forbid.

God forbid you sit in on the path and refuse maturation. God forbid you let the dust settle and you deny redemption. God forbid the fear of taking a step forward or backward or left or right and you deny process. God, in great humility, does not forbid failure. God does not forbid mistakes. God does not forbid missteps. Go fail and fail well! is the voice of God. Do nothing! is the voice of evil.

Stillness is not dualistic. There is a good, sacred stillness, and there is an evil stillness: the stillness of fear. You cannot stay in the desert. You may go to the desert, and you may be in the desert for a time, but if you stay then you choose death. Leave the desert. Leave now while you can, while you are still alive. Leave while you are able to choose to work out your life with good fear and with good trembling. We have so little time and we have so much time.

thanks longbrake

all the stars are coming out

2011-10-07T02:29:00.000-04:00

its so interesting how life turned out.

and i sit here on this autumn evening, wondering

wishing

climbing through my memories

really how did i get here?

and i know that it is beautiful

no matter how hard and ugly and tumultuous

no matter how much new growth and heartache and broken pieces have fallen to the ground

these days i find myself in between such grand heartache and excitement, sadness and joy, broken pieces and that feeling of being complete. what an odd place to be. and a mix of emotions that is just hard, unsettling, and kind of awesome.

i think i'm really beginning to accept

that truly, in this life,

there is joy

and love,

beauty, yes to be found.

[feeling introspective, what's new]

picture from the rainy outer banks, nc from a couple weekends ago. awesomely needed vacation.

currently listening to: the mountain goats, fleet foxes, tv on the radio, sleigh bells, and bon iver.
fall is upon me.

2011-09-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

that is funny.

and a true observation of my life and yours.

IS THIS LIFE?!?

2011-08-30T02:31:00.000-04:00

dear august,

you are the busiest month. you show us so much.

and truly, i always feel the most challenged and the most growth here with you as the summer comes to an end.
you brought us joy in those hot summer nights where we can sit on the porch til all hours enjoying one another's company.
and those epic storms
and memories to be kept for a lifetime.

yet
it never seems to be the way i planned it.
but its good, indeed.

i am thankful
for all the laughs you brought
as well as the tears
and the new friends
and the trials
as well as the leaps
for all the forward steps
and for all the push and pull
the ebb and flow
the hot and cold

let's watch the sun rise one more time.

don't rush by so quick next time.

sincerely yours,
jess

currently listening:: modern skirts "mrs."
resonates.

write me a letter, it's better to read things.

on growing up and heartache

2011-08-16T15:38:00.000-04:00

i'm finding that growing up is harder than i ever imagined.
it's hardest when you are at it alone
it's most confusing because you are alone.
and everyone is fighting for themselves alone,
singularly.
until you find that one that wants to fight along side you.
and for you.
and you don't have to be alone anymore.
but sometimes that person who fought alongside of you changes his/her mind or gets confused or distracted or lost
and begins to fight against you.
and your battle seems harder than it ever seemed
like your strength together weakened you individually
when its actually your comfort got the best of you

and it gets hard and confusing for a while

and maybe, just maybe
the confusion, the waves, they stop hitting so hard
and your strength returns
you might be alone again
fighting for yourself
and you have distant yet fond memories of that one who came and fought at your side

and i guess you're better for it.

it cost so much to be a full human being

2011-07-12T01:48:00.001-04:00

"yesterday i met a whole man. it is a rare experience, but always an illuminating and ennobling one. it costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment, or the courage, to pay the price. one has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. one has to embrace the world like a lover, and yet demand no easy return of love. one has to accept pain as a condition of existence. one has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. one needs a will stubborn in conflict but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying."

- morris west, the shoes of a fisherman

love the power in this.
found here

2011-07-09T14:11:00.000-04:00

i need a lifestyle upgrade.

i need to get better at so many things right now, i'm overwhelmed.
does anyone else ever feel like that?

things and things

2011-07-08T15:42:00.003-04:00

things i can't get enough of at this point in time include but are not limited to:

hellogiggles

pinterest! duh. follow me

also...
reality tv. its like i would much rather get overly involved in people's lives on tv than make real life decisions for myself. its a bit avoidant, i admit, but its working for me right now

lykke li
and the decemberists

hot black coffee and nice earthy teas

sleeping way too late

re-reading malcolm gladwell. he inspires me to think more.

also, my apartment cannot seem to keep itself together.
i would think that you might walk in and say to yourself, "man! i bet she's working on something really great right now. i can't wait to see this project/experiment/writing masterpiece." false.
things are just a mess.
you would say that because there is just stuff all over the place. like i'm too wrapped up inside my brain to put stuff where it goes.

i keep toying with the idea of moving or not and so i can't seem to get comfortable in my space.
one of my least favorite things is to spend time doing something just to undo it or redo it. so i'd rather live in limbo.
this is a bad idea, everyone.

2011-07-07T23:28:00.000-04:00

just saw this video. its real. i think everyone can relate in one way or the other.

whether its death, or a breakup, or loss in anyway. watch this. be moved.

2011-06-14T01:33:00.000-04:00

this song and these words have been resonating in me this week.

there will come a time, you'll see

with no more tears

where love will not break your heart

but dismiss your fears

get over your hill

and see what you find there

with grace in your heart

and flowers in your hair

i am in a constant state of renewal

and also reworking and reinventing

[and of confusing myself]

and of questioning my choice

past and present

and of seeking peace

and of craving patience

and of reaching for the joy i once saw.

with grace in your heart

and flowers in your hair

always a new cloud

2011-06-07T18:20:00.000-04:00

photo at tybee. one of laura's dad's creations

… another few days gone off forever. Yes, yes, yes, & where do they go? & who collects them all. I’m watching these incredibly painterly, puffy pink clouds float overhead & off over the water. Where do they go? There are rusted boats bound for China, hungry seagulls leaving steampipes, the mindless tide in search of its zenith. But where does the time go when it’s gone? For now, all these beautiful things out the window seem to have such an overwhelming weight, it’s difficult to imagine them all floating away for the rest of time. Though I know they are. On the other hand, there are always new clouds coming into view, new boats, new birds, new tides. I see the pattern in myself too. For sometimes the spirits are so high, & sometimes they drag so low… but always there are spirits. Thankfully.
-joshua heineman of CursiveBuildings

i love these words.

ever have the fear of making your own choices

fear of the reality that you are grown and decide your next steps

fear of picking out, of opting for

[the secret fear of settling for]

the wrong, incorrect, illogical, irreversable

ever need to be reminded that your choices will not be wrong
that you just need to move forward
that you just need to follow your heart [and your clouds]
because your fears are screaming louder than everything else

life is full of decisions, of choices
and there is great beauty in that
and awesome freedom
and my fears are my insecurities
which sometimes cause me to freeze
but not this time
i'm choosing choices
next steps
future plans
adventures
there is comfort in these words:

there are always new cloud coming into view, new boats, new birds new tides.

2011-05-31T14:00:00.000-04:00

i feel like i always hit my stride in summer
like really soaking in a day off
when i can stay in my pajamas all day, still drinking on my pot of coffee at 2 in the afternoon
watching storytellers on vh1
cleaning the kitchen, listening to records

sometimes i forget its summer [besides the 90 degree apartment i live in] because of the quick lives we lead.

but today,
today i embrace it with all i am
and really channeling my high school self, and probably your high school self, who lounged through the humid summer days before hitting the pool watching videos on mtv.
the grown up us's miss those days. i find its good to feed them a little nostalgia every once in a while.

cheers to summer. and memories. and making fun of who we used to be and who i still am at heart.

[my apologies for the us's, i just don't think the proper grammer sounds right]

should i

2011-05-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

over the last four weeks, my life has changed drastically once again. the reason i moved to asheville, a family owned restaurant, closed down suddenly. left unemployed, confused, and with no way to pay my rent, i moved into a bit of crisis-confusion mode.
crisis mode, you know, the mornings when i wake up and sit on craigslist and think about how all of those jobs seem equal to water torture and then i end up sending my resume anyway because i'm freaking out and whatthehellamigonnado. and the afternoons where i realize i have nothing to do so i start hammering bottle caps flat in hopes of being inspired (read: low point). and the everything else where i bounce back and forth between feeling f r e e and feeling l o s t
and nothing in between
and everything in between.

i don't know.

in the past four weeks, i have acquired three jobs that i think are pretty cool, but all part time. i am drained of all brain power to listen.
i am surrounded by super passionate and knowledgeable people all day which is encouraging to say the least.
i'm learning stuff i never thought i'd learn, which is a changing experience.
one to burst your mind, in a good way.

yet
i am faced with decisions. to stay in asheville. to go away to somewhere new. to move back home. to start afresh. to continue to invest and have to work my way up. to work towards something great. to work just to pay my rent. to accept the change. to accept the challenge.

again i ask, what should i be doing with my life?

2011-05-05T12:38:00.000-04:00

photo source

who doesn't want to open presents that look like this? i'm in love with this idea.

baby steps

2011-04-27T17:37:00.000-04:00

i'm in love with this headboard. dreamy lokal54

i'm learning to take baby steps. i like to think big picture and then i feel overwhelmed when i don't know how to get to the big dream goal and i get frustrated when it doesn't seem like i'm even working in the right direction. but the reality is that no one just takes one huge leap and lands at their dream job in the dream house with the dream lover and the perfect haircut and friends and kittens playing at their feet. there are like a billion steps between here and there. for some reason it took me a while to accept that.
and now i'm learning to take baby steps. baby steps toward big goals.

so i started reading the artist's way by julia cameron. its kind of blowing my mind and bringing me back down to earth and reminding me that i'm the one standing in the way, not the world and all those kick-you-in-the-ass sorts of things, but all in a motivating way.
its reminding me of the artist i am. and that the world is not only for the artists that i read about and stalk incessantly and the one that's "making it" and that other one who has somehow convinced people to pay her so she doesn't wait tables anymore and the pretty one, of course.

i didn't even realize i needed it when i opened the book.

in other news, my cat has become a bed hog.
seriously, i went on vacation for a week and now he thinks the whole apartment is his.

love to you in the rain.

we could have had it all.

2011-04-26T13:35:00.003-04:00

[i love adele and her voice and her passion.]

somedays i want to be taken seriously. and not be treated like a child.

and then somedays, i just wish i was a child.

in other news, i spoke to an at&t person on the phone for like half an hour while she just repeatedly told me to unplug and re-plug my internet modem. apparently she gets paid to tell people to do that.
sweet gig.
then, today a maintenance guy came out to inform me that while his buddy was trying to fix someone else's internet on the block they just decided to take my line since it appeared to not be in use.
unbeknownst to him, as he continued his story, he was just confirming my understanding that many human beings are stupid and many are not actually good at their jobs.

we have all really accepted the motto: fake it til you make it.
or in this case, fake it til some one realizes you're a faker.

thanks america.

i've been working on some pretty neat crafts and paintings. can't wait to show you internet friends.

2011-04-05T10:47:00.000-04:00

today is my birthday. today i turn a quarter of a century. the most i have ever lived.

25 days ago, i made a list of 25 things to do before i turned 25. it was created in the love of lists and goals as also in the motivation to bring positivity and freshness and accomplishment into my new year.

here is my list. all completed by today april 5th, 2011 10:24 am

.support a friend i believe in Gabriel
.send my brother his super belated birthday card
.have a fantastic trip with my friends -- MIAMI!
.feel the sand
.celebrate a silly holiday
.eat at a new restaurant
.drink at a new bar
.hear some live music
.blend & give some mixed music away
.bake something with my new mixer
.create something new! [...i'll show you soon.]
.apply for another job
.plan a road trip
.think about being a photographer again
.watch one new film
.cook one new recipe
.floss
.discover & hike a mountain
.paint
.plant your seeds--basil, eggplant, summer squash, & jalapano!
.sign up for another pottery class
.shrinkidinks!
.workout consistently
.talk to my sister
.put my savings bond in my savings account.

like any good list, some goals were made knowing they would happen, others were put on there in order to actually get me to do them, and others still were dreams and hopes.

and here i am, age twenty-five, feeling accomplished and encouraged and motivated.

if you know me at all, you know that birthdays are important to me. and time passage is significant to me. i get blown away by the way we grow older and days grow to months to years. i find myself nostalgic about the things that will be missed and what was allowed to pass on by. today is significant time maker in my life.

there is a beauty in gaining age, in adding years to yourself, mind, body, spirit. of course there is wisdom, but what i am more concerned with is the sight and perspective we each obtain [or ignore, i presume]. looking from the past and to the future. its all pretty amazing, you know, life that is.

amen amen.

the photo at the top is a cactus at the alamo i saw at the end of last summer. still blooming.

2011-02-28T16:17:00.001-05:00

this spring-like weather makes me feel at home. finally something about this place feels like home. this week was my six month anniversary of living in asheville and i honestly cannot believe that its been half a year. and now i sit and wonder what will become of the next six months.

you know, now that we're two months into two thousand eleven, i figured i should post my resolutions and goals for the year. it will be a good year.

bake and sell pies at a farmer's market.

apply to grad school. [check!]

create traditions.

go to utah, california, nevada, oregon, washington, and canada.

create/live in a loving community once again.

actively search for joy in everything.

roadtrip ocean to ocean.

send out dream letter inviting friends into my dream.

move to a new great city.

plants herbs and veggies.

start a food blog. [check!]

see lcd soundsystem live.

discover new music. create monthly playlists. send playlists to people.

write more letters.

share more desires and passions.

travel! adventure! go!

watch the sandlot with frankie and benji.

get a tattoo.

draw back into honesty, authenticity, and love. settle for nothing less.

wrtie. write. write.

make more goals.

work on an organic farm.

be a better friend. connect more. do not let friend fall away. make more on an effort.

get outta debt!

live and experience. do not live in dreams of what could be or what could have been.

have no regrets. take no prisoners.

somedays

2011-02-26T21:51:00.000-05:00

somedays you just have to drink a beer in the shower and pretend its athens, ga in the summer time.

someday you just have to wear a silly band in your hair because no one has a rubber band.

somedays you just have to cry on the phone with your mom.

somedays you have to lose yourself in a tv series because it makes you feel closer to your family.

somedays you are lame and you must love yourself for it.

somedays are just hard.

somedays are made for tea drinking.

lean into the discomfort

2011-02-23T20:24:00.000-05:00

this was posted here and here and i finally took the time to watch it. and then i watched it again. i was moved. its inspiring and honest and real. and what i want my life to be about.

wholeheartedness.

take the time to watch it.

tell me what you think.

lean into the discomfort.

february can't be dreary all the time

2011-02-22T00:49:00.000-05:00

recently i have been trying to alter my outlook on life. changing my negatives to positives. being reminded that life is short and to be enjoyed.

last night, at a crowded restaurant on a friday night, my friend and i were invited to sit at a large table with an older couple since they had extra seats. it was one of those small moments where you can say yes or no, simple without any life change either way, but its an odd opportunity that can change to adventure. needless to say, we said yes and had a most delightful dinner. talked and got to know each other to the point that our waiter didn't even realize we didn't know each other until we were paying. our dinner friends ended up being an ex-supreme court judge and a third grade teacher, sweet as could be.
(also, pretty sure everyone in the place new them and they didn't actually have to pay for their dinner.) it made my evening, that's for sure.

in other news, i'm going to miami in march. flights booked. workout begun. fun in the sun, i'm coming for you.

also it feels like early spring these days and its amazing. amazing. amazing.

spring one day

2011-02-08T23:45:00.001-05:00

just listen to this song and wait patiently for spring

that's what i'm doing.

things i long for of the warm weather, include, but not limited to... river floatin. bare feet. mountain climbin. smiling. warm rain. fires. and oh the music.

let your heart be warmed.

breakfast

2011-02-06T22:50:00.000-05:00

i work at a diner. i get up at 5:30 am. i help make delicious food for shiny, happy people. i see a lot of eggs. my mind wanders from monotony and sleep deprivation.

here are some thoughts from today:

eggs are honestly bizarre. no one really thinks about the fact that they come from a chicken's bum hole...and then we eat them. ...well, at least i don't think about it.

how did the first humans even think eating eggs would be a good idea?

how many raw eggs were eaten before they decided to cook them?

can you imagine that day in the cave?!? seriously awesome.

and, all the different ways!

how would you ever decide to whisk them up and coat your bread in them and then cook it and it would be so yummy?

also on the thought of the first humans,

who thought to take some beans, roast them, grind them up, hot water over them, and then drink it? coffee. couldn't live without it.

i sure am glad for all those trial-n-error kids back then. also glad i didn't have to be the one eating the raw eggs first.

the passing year

2011-01-10T22:32:00.001-05:00

so i like making goals, resolutions, what have you, but last year i made nothing definite, i honestly felt lost about the end of 2009, but i wrote this.

january 1, 2010

i am thankful for a change, while it may only be in the numbers in the date. there is motivation and a bit of a fresh feeling beginning a new year. a new decade. and allowing the past to be the past. i have always been (and probably always will be ) one for nostalgia and attachment. i know that change is good. change is our only constant. and there are times when the pain must be healed by distance -- in time. the past must be allowed to be in the past while the future is allowed to be the present. til kind of a novel concept, i suppose.

its always rough on me, the new year, the idea of time passage, what was left behind, what was lost, who and what will never be again. and at this point in my life, i feel a bit lost in my own life that i am finding it harder to make goals and dream dreams of what this year holds, or the opportunities that which it may have.

i want to be BETTER.
i want HONESTY -with myself. my relationships. my family. my community
i want to lose my mind investing in a project.

i am interested in pursuing writing.
i am interested in recording life as i know it.
i am interested in CONSISTENCY.
i am interested in GROWTH.
and in being LOST.
and LIVING, not just watching.

its pretty epic to see where i came from one year ago, to remember those feelings, to know really that i achieved those things, even if just a bit. 2010 was a bit scattered, scrambled, screwy, if you will.
i made choices i never thought i would.
i put myself in a totally new world.
i pushed myself further than ever and forced myself to be real with myself. which in turn was much harder than imagined.
i learned a ton.
i found myself loving a boy that is just as scattered as me.
i have pushed the nonsense out of the way a bit to feel the solid ground under my feet once again.
and to begin this year, that might be the best thing of all.
i spent 2010 searching.
i think i'm ready for a new year.

dreams and future dreams

2011-01-08T20:11:00.000-05:00

i'm applying to grad school?

i think its true. weird.
i think i'm coming to a place in my life where i'm tired of waiting for something great to happen in my life and i'm ready to do the doing.

does that make sense?

i'm have no money. i work a bunch. i'm feeling unfulfilled. i'm ready to stretch more.
i did not expect these words to be flying off my fingers anytime soon since i'm still getting my stable feet under me.

i recently have been throwing dream ideas around with some friends and i realize that there is no reason we need to wait to begin our dreams. why does everyone think you have to "grow up" first and work a million crappy jobs and listen to crazy boss's and feel under-appreciated first before we can do the "BIG" thing we've always dreamed of. i totally understand the art of working your way up and gaining experience so you can be the best and really know what you're talking about. i'm for that art. but i also do not want to spend my life waiting to have enough money, enough time, enough experience and then realize i have grey hair and arthritis and would rather watch reruns of as the world turns and wheel of fortune.

i'm naive.
i know i know.
i'm a dreamer and an idealist.
i know.

but i just want to DO something. to feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. to have my own place. to make the mistakes and to fix them. and probably make them again and fix them again. to work alongside like-minded like-hearted individuals.

let's talk about our dreams.

mine are being put into words. coming soon.
love.

p.s. i want to start a food blog about the art of learning to cook with no money. i need blog name ideas. go.

some gems of the world wide web

2010-11-30T12:03:00.000-05:00

just a few things that make me smile on this dreary final day of november.

december.

2010-11-29T12:14:00.000-05:00

its inevitable.
the coming of winter.
the end of a year.

december is the sign of this.
the almost painful reminder that another year is gone
the excitement that a new year is starting

the decisions to make a change
to start fresh
to continue what has been
the reflection of what was
to see the joys
to revel in the regrets

the end of a year is always hard for me
to make dreams for the new year
to look back at dreams lost
especially when i feel in limbo once again.

yet it is quite a beautiful thing to see that i have completed my twenty-fourth year as a human being, survived, moved, created, lived
and if all goes as planned a new one is coming to do it all again
but better....

i was tagged...

2010-11-08T17:59:00.000-05:00

my dear friend mary tagged me...

1. what actor/actress would you want to play you in a movie?

maggie gyllenhaal. she's sexy, quirky, she plays that bad ass baker in stranger than fiction. awesome. duh.

2. who is your favorite author and what is your favorite book by them?
jonathan safran foer. extremely loud and incredibly close. i have read this book more times than any other. the character and the beautiful and bizarre outlook on life is one that invigorates.

[**to be fair, i love books. and it is hard for me to really say this is my favorite. i have a million favorites. i love characters and the setting of a scene and the feel of pages turning and the smell, oh the smell. maybe we can talk more about this.]

3. where would you go on a dream vacation?
prague for the beauty, and the south of france for the beauty, the food, the escape. and india for the beauty, the people, the different world, and the perspective.
that can be one long trip.

4. what are you most afraid of?
being alone for good. i used to be most afraid of death but i have found peace in life thus peace in death through all sorts of tribulations. but i think what that fear really came from was the fear of loneliness, of being alone, possibly a fear of not ever being known. thus, this move, this adventure is teaching me a lot.

5. if you could have all your friends on a deserted island, what are three things you would all do together?
dance party duh.
laugh.
probably have a huge bon fire, find some food, and sit and talk for hours because that's what we do now minus the deserted island.

6. what's something people don't know about you?
i'm continually becoming more and more claustrophobic. its way not fun.

7. what is your guilty pleasure?
trash tv, pizza rolls, spending obscene amounts of money at target, reading tfln.com hah so lame.

okay now you know.

2010-10-29T21:41:00.000-04:00

what a beautiful piece of heartache
this has all turned out to be

i'm tired of missing my favorite people. of being frustrated with my job. of being lonely. of the physical ache in my heart.
i'm tired of missing what home used to be made up of. tired of questioning my choices past and present.
the stressors of life alone have worn on me. to say the least.

worn out.
exhausting myself it seems.

they've taken their toll these latter days

treat::ghoulish goodies

2010-10-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

halloween is a most delightful holiday. a low stress, all fun, eat as much candy as you can, dress up ridiculously, nothing is overboard kind of holiday which i must say is my favorite.

my love for baking plus my love for this season brings you this slew of autumn treats i have found perusing the world wide web of awesome.

wicked witch cupcakes

who knows...maybe i'll actually make some time to bake some treats myself. i'll keep you posted.
autumn love.

tunes

2010-10-20T13:29:00.000-04:00

autumn has a distinct feeling.
these songs match the feeling this season for me.
this is what i'm listening to.

2010-10-16T18:59:00.000-04:00

ok.
autumn is my favorite season.
the crunch of the leaves.
the weather.
the color.
the way everyone reacts to the change in such delight and relief.
the baking that begins again.
uh..halloween.
the newness in the old.
the smell.
the traditions that have stood forever.
the closeness and warmth with your favorite faces and holding hands.

this autumn so far has been lonely and stupid, if i may.
it's a bummer to have your favorite season come and feel alone.
i'm tired of this feeling.
it seems it has come to sit with me until i figure out what it's all about.
so i guess i'll get to mulling.

2010-10-08T23:28:00.000-04:00

dear life,

i just want to watch the braves game with my friends.

i miss that.

just so you know.

sincerely, jess

new-ology.

2010-10-06T23:45:00.000-04:00

the wonders of being somewhere that isn't home is odd at this point in life.
where my last home became so much the essence of the word that i cannot remember clearly what it was like to start anew. attempting to find my way and meet new people and eat at the good places and not stick out too much as the one who doesn't belong can become exhausting. that's the truth.

all this to say, the new city brings about new challenges. well, maybe its just the word new.

Moments of moving, of living alone for the first time, of being the ‘new girl’:

being asked your name over and over or being referred to as "the new girl" gets really old.
pizza rolls, carrots, and pbr for dinner. Just like college. just like me. somethings never change.
Wearing whatever I want, no one to impress, no one around whose opinions I really care about yet, and honestly, its not like I see that many people anyway. i can experiment or where the same thing all week. no big deal.
Via number 3, naked/in my underwear whenever I feel appropriate. The people in my house are the people I asked to be there and are expecting. As much as I loved living in the crazy houses of pineview and chase street, there was never much safety. Always a boy walking in the back door when you just got out of the shower or someone barging in your room to borrow something (without knocking) when you are naked. Always the worst timing. Never dull, but its nice to be able to just be.
I am learning I can be a bit paranoid. Maybe in a young girl-alone for the first time-don’t want to be raped kinda way. Maybe not. The jury is still out.
I've never made so many U-turns in my life.
Never did I realize how deeply dependent I am or have been on my friends, on smiling faces, on touch, on hugs. Here, I barely get to touch people. And when I do randomly get a side hug or something, I feel like crying. Seriously, I know I’m emotional, but I’m also a physical touch lover. I am also dependent of people already understanding me and not having to explain myself. I mumble, I switch the words around in my sentences, I think little life things are funny. Not everyone gets me right off the bat. It makes me miss the people I don’t have to explain myself to.
I took for granted seeing my favorite people in the whole world every single day. I took for granted saying, “see you guys tomorrow” when each night came to a close. Saying it not because we had made plans for the next 24 hours or because we lived in the same house, but because we got to hang out every day and would inevitably end up at the same place, on the same porch, drinking the same beer, working the same shift, or dancing the same dance. I never really realized how not-normal that is until I came here.
The truth is i never realized how much I would miss home.

i'm sure that the new moments will continue to come

but also the beginnings of a new roots will begin to stick into the ground. and i will begin to see illustrations of this all around me. i hope.

taco day!

2010-10-04T18:19:00.000-04:00

today, october 4th marks national taco day!

tacos are my favorite food!
how fantastic a day.

mmhmm.

2010-10-04T18:18:00.000-04:00

these days i have much time to catch up on my missed time on the world wide web when i had no internet connection. here's a glimpse of how lame/informed i have become.

1. generally cnn.com, nytimes, com, craigslist.com, flagpole.com, asheville's citizen times....

[ferris plock]

2. one of my favorite blogs to get lost in my love for you is a stampede of horses

a showcase of artist and designers, their stories, their studios, and other awesome stuff.
check it.

3. tv on dvd and hulu.com are a part of this modern life that i haven't taken advantage of to its highest regard until now....almost embarrassingly. i have caught up on modern family, parenthood, weeds, glee. who am i?

4. gems such as dinoworld and dinosaur land.

5. attempting to find daily inspiration for photography, crafts, my apartment, life, music with these:

and a bunch more.

this is my attempt to confess how much time i have wasted on the internet over the past four weeks being in a new town without my bestest friends. its a bit embarrassing. now you know.

2010-10-01T00:07:00.000-04:00

i sit here on the eve of october, the most magical and magnificent of months, dreaming of the colors, the smells, the energy that cannot be ignored. the autumn is fascinating, the beauty in death, the way it all makes me feel more alive.
even though the past four weeks cannot exactly be surrounded by words of joy and laughter, or even contentment, i think that fall will bring something new for me. well at least i hope.

also, listening to sufjan incessantly. his melodies mold seamlessly into the cool brisk air. its true. he sings in truth and creativity.
(and i get to see him soon at the civic center. one of my dreams will be coming true)

more thoughts on autumn to come.

on moving.

2010-09-22T17:25:00.000-04:00

transitions are something.
i recently moved. moved to asheville. it all happened very fast, like a whirlwind. decisions made. boxes packed. goodbyes said. and then to new beginnings.

i left behind my favorites. my favorite city with my favorite favorite people to try something new. i was given an opportunity for change and i took it. i know that many don't understand, but when you know you need it, you take it. you leap. i leapt.
i was becoming stagnant at home. i was not unhappy but i wasn't moving forward. if i may be cliche for a moment, life is too short and i am too young to be stuck. and one morning i woke up and felt the truth of that in my bones.
and i chose. i chose to leave.

and although i am sometimes lonely, sad, unhappy, worn out, i know in the deepest part of me that i needed this. not necessarily asheville, but i needed a change. a new breath. a challenge for myself.
i have needed the push to go and s t r e t c h myself. and i am fully aware that i might hate it hear and miss home and on and on but i had to leave, even if its simply for a season.

i think it is necessary to challenge your feelings of comfort, then you will know what is real.

so here i sit. here. in a new city, new apartment, new job, new faces. i am the "new girl" again.
here i will begin again.

after all this time.

2010-09-18T16:35:00.000-04:00

it is as if my writing ebbs and flows with the seasons.

this time. i pledge to be disciplined. even if i am the only one to see these excerpts from life.
i will write.
daily.
i will share.
honestly.

i will be inspired.
attempt to inspire.
utilize expression.
explore all sides of life
and creative outlets.

lets do this.

2009-10-27T01:44:00.000-04:00

the story of life as it goes has ups and downs. the lows must be there to prove there are highs.
[the shadow proves the sunshine]
the slight deviation in life proves movement and growth.
the steep falls or lifts can be rough.
hitting the bottom can hurt.
it is not all a fun roller coaster, but can be a strong storm in a small dingy with the feeling that drowning is eminent. there is that feeling that we will get through and see the upturn once again--because we always do. but that is not the most comforting idea. while the fall might have been quick, the climb might be slow, a slight incline that might even be difficult to feel or notice at all, until you can look back.
and life, life as of late, has felt like a steady rocket to the bottom. a rut. a funk. a bit all inexplicable. the transition has let me empty. my heart expanded and left alone. once again. a constant learning process of course. but a painful one. the feeling of falling apart. a concoction of things that have left me here to quiet myself and find my base, my feet on the ground to begin anew once again.

..from october 22, 2009..

2009-10-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

it seems the season change brings about a sense of urgency in people. like the idea of life changing, moving forward without them and out of their control pushes them to domething to move no matter where. just to feel alive. proof of life. of existence.

perhaps we're the ones we've been waiting for.

p.s. i think i am coming back as a writer.

2009-07-02T13:09:00.000-04:00

i have begun to realize that dreaming and reaching your dreams are very different and that the latter is much more difficult. and more heart wrenching.

2009-05-13T14:52:00.000-04:00

They never tell you truth is subjective
They only tell you not to lie
They never tell you there's strength in vulnerability
They only tell you not to cry

But I've been living underground
Sleeping on the way
And finding something else to say
Is like walking on the freeway

They never tell you you don't need to be ashamed
They only tell you to deny
So is it true that only good girls go to heaven?
They only sell you what you buy

And I've been living underground
Sleeping on the way
And finding something else to say
Is like walking on the freeway
I've been living underground
Trying not to burn
And finding something else to learn

gary jules "something else"

2009-05-12T14:40:00.000-04:00

its the beginning of the rest of my life.

i feel like i woke up and suddenly the time is now. its very strange to be at this place. this time. with a job and a home, but no set plans. friends and life, but still not sure about anything.

there are dreams that have not laid down their roots yet.
dreams that are not sure when they will be ready to grow in the world.
not yet at least.

it's all a bit surreal to be honest.

2009-04-30T15:41:00.000-04:00

"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead of what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn’t have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up.”
—
The Wonder Years

i've been having these weird revelations about life lately. i seem to be spending a bundle of my time thinking and realizing i'm growing up, reflecting on the past five years of my life, and dreaming about the future. in all of this, i have come to the conclusion that i am happy.

and maybe it is that i always expected to have some grandious plan by the time i found myself at graduation day, but i'm here and i smile to be in athens and surrounded by opportunities and lovely people.

2009-04-17T15:00:00.000-04:00

from:: postsecret.com

my world has been filled
with papers
and lists
and coffee cups
and books
and alarm clocks
and groggy eyes

the time is crunch.
a pending graduation and a beautiful spring have arrived.

april is showing off in this time of research and being handcuffed to my computer.

but i can't even be mad.

because life has become beautiful again.
i have accepted responsibility for the hole that i am in with school. i have also accepted the 22 days that are between me and freedom. knowing that whatever happens, that day will come.
there is no need to overreact (see photo).

2009-03-31T16:06:00.000-04:00

::from ffffound!::

before i'm twenty three, i will:

plant flowers in the flower boxes
ride my bike
eat at dondero's kitchen
write a letter to my parents
cook something beautiful
jump on my old trampoline
make plans to get my tattoo

i’ve got five days.

2009-03-27T15:34:00.000-04:00

i cannot wait.
i feel like a kid thinking about it.

in other news, i am overstressed, overworked, lacking motivation, feeling like i'm drowning in things i must do and have no time for the things i love. what am i to do? where can i get some more hours?

2009-03-21T12:17:00.000-04:00

friday. march 20. two thousand nine.

i have lived in athens for almost five years. i am struck by the love i have for this town at some unexpected times.

i support this place. have love for the quirks, uncertainties that come with traveler's town, consistencies that come with a college town, the in and outs of music and art.

even during the times of heavy hearts, i have found joy in friday afternoons in downtown. maybe it's the freedom you can feel in air. and maybe it's my personal relief from a crazy week. but it's good.
today i spent some good time enjoying the first day of spring in this place.

i just wanted you to know that i love my town.

sorry if you are tired of hearing it.

when the blizzard hit,

2009-03-16T15:49:00.000-04:00

(somehow i wrote this blog and forgot to post it. i still feel it necessary so here it is.)

i live in athens, georgia. i've lived in georgia my whole life. snow is rare. rarer than rare i'd say. we know about ice and we know about 100 degree summers, but we have little knowledge about snow first hand.
and it snowed. it was a blizzard. march 1, 2009 marked an epic day.
and we're not talking georgia snow which is like 1/2 an inch. we had 7 inches of snow.
it was a glorious way to begin march. a fresh start with a blanket of snow.
a day to be a kid again. where everyone is a friend, not a stranger.
where we couldn't do anything but laugh, or giggle as it may be, and jump and run, and throw snowballs.
where everyone just stopped and stood in amazement of our environment. it really made the community pause. they had no choice. it was beautiful.

honestly i smiled all day.

what's with today today?

2009-02-23T11:16:00.000-05:00

so i don't claim to be a blogger or known in the blog world by any means, but i do spend quite some time on this open internet perusing people and their displays.

i'm into design, photography, and all things homemade.

i have a heart for community building and music and art that changes lives.

i dig written words used well.

i like to see people expressing themselves brillantly.

all this to say, i have found some people on this world wide web that i don't know but their blogs have struck me over the year or so i've been here.

and today, in my daily read of the feeds at my office, i was caught off guard when i see the longbrake is saying goodbye. he has always been one of my favorites to follow. his photography and words have inspired.

also, found these lovelies this morning. stamp printing is pretty much awesome. i want this. thank you noun.

hope you are having a brillant monday.

thankfully february is almost over.

2009-02-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

we're going where
where the wind will steer
we're going where
we can beat our fears
we're going where
we'll make some babies and teach them how to love
we're going where
there's the largest zoo
we're going where
all our friends can be too
we're going where
we have no choice but to open our doors with love
lets open the doors

"dove" castledoor

this is what i'm talking about.

2009-02-11T11:40:00.000-05:00

from David Horvitz

a year ago.

2009-02-02T19:01:00.001-05:00

i try to avoid being to "too honest" most of the time out of fear, yet i realize that is working against everything i believe in. so here you go.

a year ago today, i lost my best friend.
my heart still aches the same as it has the past 12 months.
she taught me so much about life, simply by the way she lived.
she taught me what love looks like in life. what friendship means. what jesus looks like. the beauty of sharing life with another person. what freedom is.
most of what i live my life for today i learned from her. and that's true.

it is strange to live life without her. knowing that we work for the same purpose. she has made me live better.
her life touched my life.
i miss her more than i can put into words
but i have learned that i cannot stop and sit in my hole like i would prefer.

life is to be lived. that i know. that i learned. that i can see.
i will live out this life in hopes that i could show someone what she showed me. that i could be half the friend she was to me. that i could be centered.

i have a lot more to say that i cannot put into words.

take this for now.

the human experience

2009-01-29T14:05:00.000-05:00

i'm in the process of getting this film to athens.
yes.

my word.

2009-01-26T12:02:00.001-05:00

i think i have found my word for 2009.

invest.

invest in ideas and dreams.
invest in risk.
invest in friendships and people.
invest in what is around me, athens, america, family.
invest in school at uga for the last time.

but also invest in life, sitting in it, fighting for it, moving with it.

i realize the last 365 days, i skimmed over the surface of life, not really wanting to feel it or invest in it. i just got through those days. these new days, well, they will be invested in.

2009-01-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

at 22 and three quarters years of age, i still have not mastered the art of actually getting out of bed when my alarm goes off.

yes today.

2009-01-20T00:23:00.001-05:00

hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

--martin luther king jr.

i have a dream today.

2009-01-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

i have a dream today.

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today."

thank you dr. king, thank you.
i can live in a nation i am proud of, be exited for, see potential in. tis a good day to celebrate.

photo::princeton.edu

another year over.

2009-01-03T15:58:00.000-05:00

2008.

i made an outrageous number of new years resolutions for 2008.

as a review, here's the list. this year was hard on me, but it was good to me as well.

expand vocabulary•learn more•remember i love to play piano•learn more grace. accept more. give more•write letters•see 20 sun rises•enjoy more mornings•write down ideas and dreams•pray in place of judge•love in place of "nice"•live in a great house.•photography more•accept adventure•road trip to seattle because you can.•be 21 for the last time.•walk more•get a bike, thus bike more•draw.•give away art. collect art. display art•jump on the trampoline like its my job•do something scary•go to waco•see mel teach a class•sit and watch the stars•be mesmerized•let life completely blow your mind•go to atlanta more often and walk the streets to remember•spend time with grandma, hear her stories•pay bills on time•drink brandy alexanders•draw. paint sculpt. make. play. create. ...create like you were made to.•memorize scripture•take time to think•go to chicago•be a more consistent friend•get a schedule and sleep. •more polaroids•go to nashville and let the hurt wash away•play music with at least one other person•get dressed up and go out. enjoy being young. wear red heels•remember you will be ok•be more open and let people in•let prayer consume you•do not allow american christianity piss you off too much•let yourself be heard and known•return to spain•be intentional•invite mom and dad to athens•attend art shows all the time•laugh often•open the windows•get an A•answer the phone

while the list is long, and i realize that i completed some, not others, and some are still in progress or will be moved to the 2009 list, it is beautiful.
it is beautiful to see. to look back and remember making this list a year ago, and the way the goals and my life seemed to morph.
this year held much more than this list.
many surprises. things i could have never imagined.
parts i hope continue.
parts i hope to leave behind.
this has been a revolutionary year. an epic year. a year that will be remembered.
i will remind myself..

life has proved to be beautiful.
it's true.
amidst the pain and troubles and deep puddles, there is something to stop and stare at.
something to be awestruck by.
i am thankful for that.

another year over, what will become of the next.
200 eight is gone. it has become past. it's strange to me.
it felt like 20 years and a blink at the same time.
now it stands as a simple memory and a laugh. a blend of a melody.

two thousand nine is here.

as of late.

2008-12-29T23:11:00.000-05:00

(photo of my most recent fortune from the taco stand. very appropriate.)

some thoughts as of late

holidays are an odd combination of stress and joy. family and friends. new and old. love and bitterness. all stirred together in a slew of days with early mornings and late nights. exhausting yet wonderful. but once they're over, i think i'm actually glad that they are. relieved in a sense.

i have found myself with quite a frustration toward photography. i realize it's been going on for about a year now. the way money really affects the ease in which it can be achieved. money affects the means and advances. the way i don't have any money. et cetera.

i believe i have learned the beauty in pain. the beauty in the broken down. the beauty of being able to say "i can't do this anymore." because in that, in the midst of all of that, you are human. you are real. there is an authenticity there that cannot be found many other places. and from there, truth can be found.

we don't need this "put on a pretty face" junk anymore. we don't need to cover ourselves with money, the "hip-factor, fake smiles, fake plastic trees, if you will. we just need to be real. to feel what we feel. to be who we are. and really, it is from that spot of knowing who you are, no matter how much it hurts, is where we can learn what love is. but only from there.

i really believe that.

the end of 2 0 0 eight is coming quickly. as if i fell asleep and let it all go by, it mostly feels foggy, like a dream. this has been my hardest year of my twenty-two. but i think i've become more human. the realness of life can hit you hard, harsh, painfully, yet beautifully and full of grace. this year will be a monument in my scope of life, i do believe.

there is weight to this life.
it is light.
it is heavy.

the deeper we go, the more we are able to feel the difference.

this year's love had better last...

here's to finals

2008-12-15T03:18:00.000-05:00

there is something about staying up late finishing a paper.
knowing you will finish.
even if you see the sunrise.
and honestly, a little sunrise never hurt.

the crunch of finals.
the slew of sweatpants and groggy faces.
the stressed out strangers you strangely identify with.
the coffee being poured.
the ever needed breaks that tend to run longer than is responsible,
but needed for sanity's sake.

the regrets from all the bad decisions over the semester
to not "work ahead" or "manage your time" better
(those are in quotations because they are still lofty ideals to me)

the way procrastination takes on all new heights
the way facebook never seemed so intriguing
the way cleaning never seemed so necessary
and daydreams
and people watching
never held such glitter

how i find myself reading more design blogs
than i ever knew existed
and designing my pleasant studio/home/bakery of the future.
and creating precise playlists for the occasion.
and uncovering the music that was gathering dust in my library
to find the perfect motivational notes to make it worth it.

and then there's the last moment.
and it is d o n e.
the sense of relief and completion.
an epic nap.
a celebration.
no matter what the outcome, there's no going back.
because,
in the strict appreciation of its essence and epithet,

it is final.

there is beauty in the complete.

an ode to finals week.
you earned it.

in case you were wondering,

2008-12-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

i am thankful for melanie.

the twelfth month

2008-12-09T13:31:00.001-05:00

dear december,

you are here again. after a long 339 days, you appear and yet i'm always surprised. you are sneaky. maybe one day i'll learn.

you always seem to bring a certain smell in the wind.
a magic spirit to the days that doesn't come any other time of year.
there's something about you that puts unity in the minds of people.
yet an unsteady loneliness follows in the shadows.

and let's be honest,
you have your own music. enough said.
you are not to be ignored.

your season brings many memories to the front of my mind.
laughter and love. tears and heartache.
i am thankful nonetheless.

we've got twenty-two days left. let's make it a good end to the shady year we've had.

sincerely yours.

p.s. a little snow would be nice.

thankful.

2008-12-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

i am thankful

for grace. for my crazy family and a warm bed. for my athens family. for understanding. for laughter and tears. for sour patch kids. for beautiful music and people who play it. for the turning from day to night. for rebirth. for apple products. for long conversations. for the invention of photography. for written words. for trees and growth and the understanding they give to each other. for distance not changing anything. for when distance does change things. for adventure and the unknown. for the chance to finish college. for eyeliner. for a dancing melody. for fire pits. for seasons and fallen leaves. for jesus. for wikipedia and gmail. for mexican food. for fresh brewed coffee. for good design and aesthetics and people who can appreciate it. for polaroid film. for technology and also the distance from it. for memories. for friendship that transcends. for love. for freedom.

this list could go on forever.
and maybe i should keep writing it.
it may be good for me honestly.

a delayed thanksgiving post. thank you.

2008-12-03T00:56:00.000-05:00

"may the free make others free."

yes.

how much this sentence, this call, this command resonates with me.

freedom leads to jubilee.

much to say about this. can't quite find all the words yet.
it needs to steep a bit more.

what if.

2008-11-19T14:16:00.001-05:00

i have big dreams.

dreams of living in a community that understands love and truth and freedom. and even though i don't always live those things out, i believe in them every moment. and i want to surround myself with them.

what if.
what if love could be my song?
what if freedom was our communication?
what if truth was all over our relationships?
what if that was all that mattered?

what if healing was for certain and we believed it?
what if we grew together instead of apart?
what if we took care of one another instead of just ourselves?
what if we could call each other home?
what if questions and confrontations were comforting because we saw it as being alive and sharing life?

what if we understood what community really looks like?
what if we tried to understand each other first?

i am dreaming big about a bakery that could change the world.
that could be home. a house of love and freedom. of art and music. of dance. of truth and grace. a place to be understood and accepted. a place to find your people and your place.

right now its just a dream but what if. maybe just maybe it could become a reality.

this is just what i have in mind.

2008-11-11T01:49:00.000-05:00

i just wish i could put into words my deep love for halloween.

pumpkin carving. candy. costumes. hilarity. fall. dance party insanity.

maybe one day you will understand.

epic

2008-11-07T07:37:00.000-05:00


nashville. to continue the epic-ness of my life.
i sit here while the rain hits the window sills after driving frankie to
the airport bright and early and i'm hit with the beautiful grace of it all.
of life and love. of movement and ability. of chance and risk and worth.
of redemption.
that's all i have at the moment. 
these lyrics are bursting with truth and understanding and grace. 


When the world welcomes us in,
We're closer to Heaven than we'll ever know.
They say this place has changed,
But strip away all of the technology
And you will see
That we all are hunters,
Hunting for something that will make us okay.

Here we lay alone in hospital beds,
Tracing life in our heads;
But all that is left
Is that this was our entrance and now it's our exit,
As we find our way home.

All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That we are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of it.

"You were a million years of work,"
Said God and His angels, with needle and thread.
They kissed your head and said,
"You're a good kid and you make us proud.
So just give your best and the rest will come,
And we'll see you soon."

All the blood and all the sweat
That we invested to be loved
Follows us into our end,
Where we begin to understand

That maybe Hollywood was right:
When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried,
The answers that we have been dying to find
Are all pieced together and, somehow,
Made perfectly mine.

We are made of love,
And all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love,
And every fracture caused by the lack of love.

sleeping at last "needle and thread"

today.

2008-11-04T10:11:00.000-05:00

a day for change.
quite a monumental day.
dressed for america this morning with the roommates and went out to make our voices heard at 8 am.

for justice and equality.
for opportunity and prosperity.
for healing of our nation.
for restoration.

to hear our president-elect speak justice and unity over our country was indescribable. to see people of this town and country join together fighting for equality and opportunity, making their voices heard gives me hope. i am encouraged beyond measure.

today is big.

while i could write forever about what i see in our future, the possibilities, and the actual change from children born into poverty to movie stars, i won't today. i think i need just a moment to sit in this piece of history and let my hope for this country be reborn.

i am thankful.

there has never been anything false about hope.

one day you're near.

2008-10-20T16:53:00.001-04:00

i love the bond i can share with another human being.
there is beauty in connection.

i am constantly baffled by the interaction humans have with one another and the way i can open and close myself and let myself out (or not) and feel safe and refreshed and understood (or none of those things).

like i said, it's beautiful.

freedom

2008-10-03T13:17:00.001-04:00

i'm not usually a fan of huge blanket statements, but
october is the best.
athens in october is the best.

it amazes me how i can fall so in love with a city.

the idea of freedom has captured me as of late.
the glory that is freedom. the thought that some have no idea what it feels like to be free. people born into captivity. people living in it with no taste for freedom.
we can talk about sex slavery, emotional baggage, sin, addiction, poverty, violence, abuse, lies. all keep us from freedom, keep our eyes shut to the beauty this world holds. for us. for all.
inwardly and outwardly people are held captive.
humans, including myself, many times live without knowing life can be different. that a change can be made.

i want to live. to show and share in freedom.
to let love release beauty.
to let captives free.

it was for freedom that we were set free.

there is great weight in that statement.
i want to hold those words close to my heart.

same things can be different

2008-09-17T16:32:00.000-04:00

my favorite athens establishment of all time.
yeah. as we all know, it has transformed quite a bit. it is classy and even swanky at times. they have wonderful imports and large booths. its very aesthetically pleasing. the design is beautiful.
but the old hot corner character...it has been lost.

to sit here as i do from time to time. i test it out. to see if it will come back to its roots. it never satisfies me. now don't get me wrong, trapeze is one of my favorite bars of all time. i might could say it is growing to be a favorite establishment. i just wish with my whole heart that both, two of my favorite places, could have lived side by side instead of one or the other.

there's something about sharing a couch and a coffee table with a complete stranger while at 3 am you are both working diligently on research papers that are due the next day...and trying to avoid facebook. something about knowing you're not the only procrastinator in the city. or the only night owl. knowing the furniture is older than i am. it was always buzzing. it was a culture. i miss it.

i just got the "are you crazy?" look from a guy who is sitting on the chair next to the couch i sat down on. apparently this is too close for comfort for him. apparently he thinks he deserves the whole coffee table and the only not wooden seats in the house. he clearly doesn't remember hot corner. trapeze is all about personal space i guess.

enough for my rant.
i apologize for the length.

it kinda really feels like fall outside today. i know it's because it's overcast.
i like wearing tanktops in the beginning of fall. i need to feel the chill. throughout the year i forget what that feels like.
remember to enjoy it.

2008-09-12T15:04:00.000-04:00

the first candy corn of the season.
it is glorious.

fall is coming.
that means pumpkins. falling leaves. long walks. halloween. scarfs. boots. orange. browns. porch sitting. hot tea. pumpkin spice everything. pumpkin ale. deep breaths. climbing trees. cinnamon spice. adventure. october. haunted houses. costume parties. crisp air. thebike rides through town. carving pumpkins. tights. autumn love.

i really love this season. i'm glad it comes once a year.

there is grace felt in this season. i'm constantly reminded of myself, my flesh, my jesus, as everything around me dies in order to bring new growth in the spring. it's a sweet season. there is beauty all around. in the changes coming. mmm. love.

2008-08-27T23:59:00.000-04:00

the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
exodus 14:14.

and the tears fall.

2008-08-26T17:16:00.000-04:00

what am i to think of what the writing of a thousand lifetimes could not explain if all the trees were pens and all the oceans ink?

2008-07-28T15:16:00.001-04:00

i decided a while ago that i wasn't going to allow myself to be hurt anymore. i decided that i could just be strong. i had felt the worst pain i had felt and i never wanted to feel it again.

i have a pattern with pain, i've come to realize. i long for an escape. eventually i find it. and usually in the escape i learn that running from my pain isn't really what i was made for. i have learned and continue to learn that i am meant to feel. to understand. to hurt. as much as i look to find the opposite.

the running never really gets me anywhere. while physically i could be halfway across the world, my heart is still the same.
this last adventure i realized all of this before i left, knowing the change in location was not to be an escape but an adventure. a head-clearing. a heart-moving. i tend to have a jumbled head and need blank slates in order to make sense of my non-order.

i have a lot of trash. a lot of things i've kept in boxes. both literally and figuratively.

can't go back now.

2008-07-23T18:13:00.001-04:00

i'm back. from travel. from escape. from being dull and null.
updates from vagabond life will follow.

i can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself.

the weepies sing about my life.

people steal and people get married.

2008-05-21T15:51:00.000-04:00

so this weekend, one of my best friends got married. it was amazing and beautiful to be apart of celebrating such an incredible relationship and to be able to see God so clearly in each step that they have taken. seriously. an honor to know them. i love the way that life plays out beautifully. it was a weekend of best friends, laughter, and a whole lot of love.

yet there was a downside to the fairy tale weekend...

thursday night, after a wonderful dinner at the cheesecake factory, the bride-to-be and all of her bridesmaids headed to cafe intermezzo.

having all of our stuff in our cars for the entire weekend caused us to be great targets for robbery.

we walk out to our cars and see two broken windows.

missing items:

my macbook

two handbags

my ipod

all my jewelry

journal from the past four months

jumpdrive

season one of the office

computer cords and such

gift cards

and all kinds of other sentimental stuff

all my photos. my music. my art projects. gone. the irreplaceable last four months of life as it was recorded by hand or via digital media. gone.

my life as far as technology goes. gone.

this blog will probably be lacking for a while.

i am without computer indefinitely.

my digital life is really non-existent at this point.

my life is all paper now. yet the paper has kind of lost it's glamour.

i'm feeling a bit lost to say the least.

deep summer is where laziness meets productivity.

2008-05-10T02:32:00.000-04:00

while i enjoy new beginnings, list of projects, and goals, summer also holds this great ability for laziness. like it's asking me to wake up in the morning, get some coffee, after reading the paper and breathing in the summer air, sit on the couch, turn the tv to mtv and/or vh1 and just watch music videos. watch trash. catch up on all the real world episodes you've missed while you were studying, working, or heaven forbid playing outside. but really, there is something that just coerces me to sit there in my pjs all day watching stuff i don't care about.

i've learned too that even though i tend to believe that these so-called "music" channels no longer show videos, if you watch for an extended period of time, you will catch at least two.

all of this to say, i still really have no idea why i do this. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i can and for the past year plus, i couldn't. whatever the reason, i do it. and...i kinda hate it.

but summer, the good season that it is, never really makes me feel bad about it. summer just pats me on the back at the end of the day, as if to say, "well done. you fulfilled everything i had planned for you today. you soaked in enough mind-numbing american trash for all you missed in the past year. you can check out that list of new projects and accomplish something tomorrow."

i'm making a mess.

2008-05-04T23:22:00.000-04:00

while life takes its sweet little twists and turns, i am still comforted by slight nuances and gems that fall in the most unpredicted places.

cool summer nights. a cuddly cat. pansies planted by my dad. a good glass of wine, a big sister that pulls through for once. old friends that never change. good books with lines that hold meaning. basil plants. enjoyable chord progressions. grandmas learning about lip rings. porches. great ideas.

"i can't imagine anything but music that could have brought about this alchemy. maybe it's because music is about as physical as it gets: your essential rhythm is your heartbeat; your essential sound, the breath. we're walking temples of noise, and when you add tender hearts to this mix, it somehow lets us meet in places we couldn't get to any other way. "

-anne lamott, traveling mercies

your best suit and dress

2008-05-01T23:37:00.001-04:00

we were driving around running errands the other day, listening to death cab.

listening to "the new year", discussing how it's one of our favorites.

then we hear

"i wish the world was flat like the old days. you could travel just by folding a map."

this conversation ensued:

mel: what a great discovery.

me: music? death cab?

mel: no. the fact that the world isn't flat.

(short pause)

mel: i think it might be the best discovery yet.

i love melanie.

so close.

2008-05-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

summer is almost here.

start again

2008-05-01T01:29:00.000-04:00

dearest april,

thank you for bringing me out of the funk.

your friends that came before you were not really cutting it, but you, you came and saved the day.

you made us laugh and cry and sit on the porch and breathe in life.

you brought us flowers and storms and joy again.

you were made for new growth.

you pulled out all the stops.

your efforts are truly appreciated.

thanks for showing us what 2008 can be. i had lost hope for a little while.

i knew i always liked you.

i'll miss you. come back soon.

your friend,

jess

words like "lost and found".

2008-04-16T01:05:00.000-04:00

sam beam makes me want to pick up my guitar again.

and makes me want to fall in love.

last night was beautiful. a voice of beauty, love, humility. backed by an eight piece band. sold out variety playhouse with every face awaiting his voice. standing in silence, in awe.

my soul needed it.

a night of rest and peace. of enjoying beauty.

it's not just about watching a good musician, but life overall. to live for something more than ten page papers and serving pizza.

i'm thankful for the moments that bring me back to where my soul finds rest and my heart remembers what makes it feel alive.

there have been too many days that have been filled with just getting by.

i'm thankful to be able to feel alive again. love again.

it's been a hard three months. you should know that.

may the sun rise bring h o p e where it once was forgotten

dream to make believe.

2008-04-08T16:42:00.000-04:00

i'm 22. i have a lot of dreams and ambitions. i have decided that i will not sit on the side lines and watch my life pass me by. that sounds melodramatic, but i'm kind of serious.

i am desperate to see my dreams become a reality.

sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in my life a bit. and i felt like it a lot this morning. things have been tough. i have been tried. i woke up this morning to find that i again slept through my classes and other important things that are NOT ok. and realizing much needs to change so today begins "jess will be r e s p o n s i b l e for 3 weeks". mark my words.

things "responsible" entails:

going to all my classes.
getting up every morning.
not being late to work.
reading and studying.
doing homework.
spending time alone with God.
journaling myself so i don't feel crazy.
returning phone calls and emails.

these things may seem simple. but i, jessica anne rosenkoetter, am not good at them, especially the school things, and in the last 2 months, my life has a bit fallen apart and none much of this has happened. so i guess i'll begin. three weeks of senior year number one.

in other news, spring has come and made its home with us.

i'm pretty much in love with that fact of life.

birthdays are for lovers.

2008-04-07T22:08:00.000-04:00

birthdays are the best.

april 5th is the best.

my friends are the best.

that's really it.

this weekend was like old times. everyone was back in town. the 167 had a million people in it. we didn't sleep. we laughed the whole time.

once upon a time.

2008-03-30T13:16:00.000-04:00

i find an outlet in writing. in creating. in people.

so i'm jumping on this so-called blogging bandwagon.

welcome to my world.

sorry it's a mess.